Today's challenge is, what is the hardest thing you have ever experienced?
Another easy one.
December 27, 2005.
The day my father died.
I was with my ex boyfriend. (Of course he was my boyfriend at the time). My mom called me, said I needed to come home immediately. She wouldn't tell me why. It was frustrating, but I was thinking the worst and would hardly hear her out. I made it to the neighboring town where she met me and drove me home. She didn't say much the entire way home.
It wasn't until we finally made it home that she sat me down and told me the events of that morning. I can relive the moment in my head over and over and nothing changes. He is still gone. I still feel the guilt, the pain, the sadness...I still remember the salty tears running down my face and the scream that came out of my throat. I still remember clutching to my mom as she cradled me. I remember it clear as day, like it just happened.
But it was almost 7 years ago.
What hurts the most? It was two days after Christmas. We were thisclose to having the father/daughter relationship I had always wanted. Knowing that a part of my oldest brother died along with him that day, that hurts too, because even though I experienced pain, I don't know what THAT kind of pain feels like. You would have to understand that he grew up with him and I was with my mom...so of course it was different. They were close. They were close like my step dad and I are now. I cannot imagine that kind of loss. I don't even want to think of it, because I know that someday I will have to experience it and the thought makes my heart drop into my feet and I can hardly bear it.
Everything he has missed and will miss. He never got to see me graduate, never got to meet my husband or see me get married. Will never meet his grandkids. I guess in a way it's a harsh reality, but that doesn't make it any easier.
And my grandma. This woman... I can't say enough good things about her. She has lost so much and still believes in love. If I could be anyone, I would be her. I love her.
So there you have it. The hardest thing I've experienced.
December 27, 2005.
Another easy one.
December 27, 2005.
The day my father died.
I was with my ex boyfriend. (Of course he was my boyfriend at the time). My mom called me, said I needed to come home immediately. She wouldn't tell me why. It was frustrating, but I was thinking the worst and would hardly hear her out. I made it to the neighboring town where she met me and drove me home. She didn't say much the entire way home.
It wasn't until we finally made it home that she sat me down and told me the events of that morning. I can relive the moment in my head over and over and nothing changes. He is still gone. I still feel the guilt, the pain, the sadness...I still remember the salty tears running down my face and the scream that came out of my throat. I still remember clutching to my mom as she cradled me. I remember it clear as day, like it just happened.
But it was almost 7 years ago.
What hurts the most? It was two days after Christmas. We were thisclose to having the father/daughter relationship I had always wanted. Knowing that a part of my oldest brother died along with him that day, that hurts too, because even though I experienced pain, I don't know what THAT kind of pain feels like. You would have to understand that he grew up with him and I was with my mom...so of course it was different. They were close. They were close like my step dad and I are now. I cannot imagine that kind of loss. I don't even want to think of it, because I know that someday I will have to experience it and the thought makes my heart drop into my feet and I can hardly bear it.
Everything he has missed and will miss. He never got to see me graduate, never got to meet my husband or see me get married. Will never meet his grandkids. I guess in a way it's a harsh reality, but that doesn't make it any easier.
And my grandma. This woman... I can't say enough good things about her. She has lost so much and still believes in love. If I could be anyone, I would be her. I love her.
So there you have it. The hardest thing I've experienced.
December 27, 2005.
This was the hardest thing to experience in life thus far. It still gets me. Has changed me forever, and not for the better.
ReplyDeleteI hope you realize the excitement he had in connecting with you those last few years. It was like he had something new to live for, after years of alchoholism and low income really not providing much incentive to go on.
The couch scene...that was me at the funeral. I couldn't let go. Every song that started up triggered so many memories and responses, started it all over again.
I can't go on, or I'll be making a spectacle of myself at work. If ever you have questions, thoughts, anything at all, I can think of no one better to answer them. Always here for you, now as much for him as for me. ;)
That little bit had me in tears. Thank you. I'm glad we have eachother. <3 I love you.
ReplyDeleteI am so sorry for your loss, Em. </3
ReplyDelete