My constant struggle

I don't know if you know, but I struggle with alcohol. Not hard alcohol. Not mixed drinks. Not even beer. I LOVE Mike's Hard Lemonade. Even if it gives me a stomachache, even if I have to drink two to feel something, I love it. Especially after a hard days work.

And that's exactly the problem.

I come from a long line of alcoholics. That's why it's scary. Alcoholism and addiction is genetic, and I've known I've had the gene for as long as I have learned what alcohol was. I've always known I have to be careful because of that. That didn't stop me.

I have always known about how dangerous it is. I've always known what it can do to your body - your liver, your brain, etc. That hasn't stopped me because I was never dependent. I didn't drink the hard stuff. I never downed a fifth by myself...I never ... needed it.

It used to be that I could drink one Mikes - one bottle, 5% alcohol, and feel something. Now, I have to drink two cans, 8% alcohol in order to get even a little buzz. I know that's a problem. Even if it is "just Mikes." Alcohol is alcohol. I can tell it's not just affecting me anymore.

That's why I'm grateful for a program through my work called IMPACT. It's a two and a half day course where you sit around and learn about alcohol from a different perspective. You even have to go to an AA meeting (which is where I'm about to go now - more on that later). I can't tell you when I realized that it's helped so much, it just did. Maybe it was today, when a chief nearly brought me to tears telling his 'how I got here' story. If I can quit drinking now, I'll be able to get so much more from the Navy and from my life. 

I just got home from an AA meeting. I LOVED it. I learned so much, felt so comfortable...i might even go back! Even if i never call myself an alcoholic...i'm always welcome there, which is wonderful. It's saved a lot of people.

So now i am officially attempting to end my struggle. Only this time, i will come out on top. I'll keep you posted.

Him

I've been thinking about my brother. Turns out that reorganizing a room in your house can make that happen. I know i'm dead to him in the eyes of his wife, and i haven't talked to him since november-ish or earlier...but that doesn't stop me from wanting to. I know all i have to do is write him an email...i dont need a response, i just need to tell him things. Maybe he wouldn't even care, but to have it out there would be nice. I'm not even afraid of rejection anymore...i kind of just want a clean slate. With him. Not her. Honestly i dont think she's capable of that.

What should i do?

Can I just speak my mind for a minute?

These budget cuts are ridiculous. I don't know what's going to happen with our schedule because nothing has been canceled but the cuts are looming. They're saying fewer underways to cut on fuel costs. That's great, how about you stop letting people in? How about you get rid of the people who don't want to be there anymore? That will save some money. How about you stop sending ships out for 6-9 months for .... what again? Making allies with other countries? Helping them get straight? We aren't straight...we need to stop helping countries until ours is out of debt and functioning again.

Stop stressing the importance of education but then cutting out tuition assistance. Do you realize how expensive school is? How are we supposed to pay for that with our salary? Which brings me to my next point..

A sailor makes less than or just above minimum wage. Sure we get BAH and medical. But we pay for it. We pay into our GI Bill for the first year of service and if anything happens in the first three years of our contract we lose it. E-1 to E-3 makes exactly the same amount and E-4 doesn't make much more than them but works just as hard and sacrifices the same. Officers get paid twice what we do and they push papers all day. Must be nice.

How about not spending  $3.2-4 TRILLION on a war? I am of course against terrorism but once we caught Bin Laden...wasn't that enough? Wasn't he the sole reason we were there? Maybe I just don't know enough or didn't pay enough attention back then, but why is it taking so long to get the troops home?

Part of me is not complaining...I love being able to come home 6 nights a week to my husband...but part of me wonders what is going to happen...and it scares me...will my job still be secure?

Embracing change

Okay, I'm done. You win. Yesterday I got on the scale and found I gained another pound. That puts me at 121.5. Not a lot for some people, and I know that most people I talk to would kill to weigh that. But not me. This is the most I've ever weighed...so it's a big deal. I've never had to worry about what I eat or portions or counting calories or any of that other bullshit. I was blessed with a high metabolism. But now I'm getting older and I realize that some things have to change if I want to stay small. I don't work out...I never had to. I don't drink enough water...not sure of the reason, to be honest, I just don't.

What I don't know is why now. I have been on birth control for 7 years. I know that one of the side effects is weight gain, but it's never been an issue with me. Is it possible for the female human body's metabolism to just slow down?? It's not like i'm doing anything drastically different. It's frustrating.

Oh and before anyone speculates...NO I am NOT pregnant.

I guess all I can do now is start working out to maintain the weight I want and be more careful about what I eat and drink. Not as much candy/sugar and alcohol...not as big of portions...who knows. Anyone else have suggestions?

Guilt

Do you ever feel guilty because your spouse isn't as successful (by societys standards) as you? You could think the whole world of them and it wouldn't matter because deep down a ping of guilt is there? I mean, i am nothing special. I have my associates degree and i joined the military because i wasn't satisfied with my everyday routine. Sometimes i think that was a mistake but that's a different story. My husband, for those who don't know him, is absolutely genius...smarter than me any day. But he can't hold a job for whatever reason and doesn't have beyond a high school education. Of course i dont care about that, but it's a big deal to those who matter (ie employers).

I want a baby more than just about anything nowadays. I want him to secure a career, too..and i know that'll take a while considering everything. Ugh i just dont know ...

New challenge

I'm not sure about this month. I have a big test coming up on the 21st, but since insurv is over i have more time. Suggestions for a challenge?