One Year

 A few days ago, I celebrated a year of sobriety. 

No alcohol.

This is, I believe, the first time in my adult life that I have gone this far without it.

It wasn't so bad in my 20s. I did the "normal" things, even less than the "normal" person who was in college and/or living away from home.

I don't know when exactly it became more of a crutch, but I remember feeling like I needed it in order to get through things. I would drink to feel numb because I thought chasing that feeling would be better than facing my issues head on.

I could easily drink 3 24 oz Trulys in one night and go to work the next morning. I am aware that Truly's are not hard alcohol, and a lot of people had it worse than me in that regard. I couldn't do much wine because I hated the hangover. I didn't do hard alcohol very often because I didn't like the taste. I didn't drink it for the taste, I drank it for the effect, and that's where I get in trouble. The more I drank, the more I could tolerate, which meant it took longer for me to "catch" the feeling I was chasing (aka the numbness). 

So, what has the past year been like?

It was hard at first...I had to avoid certain grocery stores because they sold the stuff I would drink and it was easily accessible. I remember the small victory I felt the first time I was able to go into one of those stores and not make a B line for the drink section. 

Then came having to cope with things like my emotions, my anxiety, etc., without turning to alcohol. 

This year has been one of reflection, for sure. Accepting things that happened to me in my childhood without just blocking it out. I turned to music....NF has become one of my favorite artists because he talks a lot about that stuff....If you haven't heard of him, listen to his song "Mansion." I feel like that was written in part for me. 

I remember crying the first time I heard the song, "Dear Alcohol" by Dax. "I got wasted cuz I didn't wanna deal with myself tonight, my thoughts get drowned until I feel alright, and I keep drinking till I'm someone I don't recognize..." That whole song is relatable for me. 

I remember before O came along, I kept saying to myself, I don't want my kids to remember this version of me...but that was never enough for me to just stop. The thing about all of this is, we can't stop for someone else...we have to stop for ourselves, and we have to want to stop. I just remember drinking on December 18 or 19 of 2021 and thinking, this is so dumb....so pointless. I want this to be my last one. And it was. 

This begs the question I know you all (all 2 of you reading this) want me to answer: Will I drink again?

The answer isn't that simple. I hate to say it, but I just don't know. Can I be a social drinker, who can drink 1-2 and be good with it, or will the feelings I had come back and I'll return to drinking to feel numb? I don't know, and is it worth the risk to find out? No. At least not right now.

I'm happy with where my life is now. I can see things clearly, I react to things better than I used to, and I am more present. I don't count the hours of the day down so that I can look forward to drinking, I count them down so my kids can go to sleep (okay I'm jokingg!!!). But seriously, I am proud of myself for making it this far and I am excited for what year 2 of sobriety will bring.

Please leave me comments/questions below! I'd love to hear from you!

Until next time, 

E xx

Childhood memories creeping into adulthood

 The memories are a bit foggy, I'll admit...but that's largely due to the fact that I've pushed them away for so long, not wanting to face them, hoping they'll fade.

Newsflash - they don't. If anything, they become more vivid as my children get older. Why? I don't have a solid answer, but if I had to wager a guess, I'd say it's because I know I want so much more for my kids, to hide them from the reality that I went through (more on that in a second).

My daughter is the age I was when the darkest period of my life began. I went through something that no one, especially not a five year old, should ever experience. I cannot even fathom what would happen if she ever went through what I did.

I don't remember his face now, but I remember the night like it just happened, and I'll always remember his name. I remember being pushed into a closet, telling me he just wanted to show me something, then just as quickly, his tip was inside me. Moments (or seconds) later, his mom, who was responsible for myself and my brother that night, opened the closet door in horror, and pulled me out of there like it was my fault.

Why am I reliving this moment? Why don't I just let it go?

Not a day goes by that I don't think about what would happen if my daughter were ever in this position. See, it happened to me, and no one believed me because I was so young; there's no way I could possibly know what any of that meant. I don't know what's worse - actually being in that moment and having that nightmare happen, or the fact that no one believed me afterwards.

WRONG.

I used to just push these feelings and thoughts away with alcohol, but after a while, it didn't work...that was never the solution, but I didn't know how else to handle it.

For those who don't know, my last drink was on December 18, 2021. Since then, I have been forced to face all of these repressed memories head on. I don't do therapy (not against it, I've just never done it), so this has been difficult. I am hoping there is someone out there who reads this and can feel better knowing they're not alone in experience, feelings, emotions, etc. It can get better.

That night was over 20 years ago. Things happened before and after that that I may touch on, because so much of it has shaped me today...but I just want whoever is reading this to know that it can and does get better. Your life doesn't have to be determined by crappy moments in your childhood.