A few days ago, I celebrated a year of sobriety.
No alcohol.
This is, I believe, the first time in my adult life that I have gone this far without it.
It wasn't so bad in my 20s. I did the "normal" things, even less than the "normal" person who was in college and/or living away from home.
I don't know when exactly it became more of a crutch, but I remember feeling like I needed it in order to get through things. I would drink to feel numb because I thought chasing that feeling would be better than facing my issues head on.
I could easily drink 3 24 oz Trulys in one night and go to work the next morning. I am aware that Truly's are not hard alcohol, and a lot of people had it worse than me in that regard. I couldn't do much wine because I hated the hangover. I didn't do hard alcohol very often because I didn't like the taste. I didn't drink it for the taste, I drank it for the effect, and that's where I get in trouble. The more I drank, the more I could tolerate, which meant it took longer for me to "catch" the feeling I was chasing (aka the numbness).
So, what has the past year been like?
It was hard at first...I had to avoid certain grocery stores because they sold the stuff I would drink and it was easily accessible. I remember the small victory I felt the first time I was able to go into one of those stores and not make a B line for the drink section.
Then came having to cope with things like my emotions, my anxiety, etc., without turning to alcohol.
This year has been one of reflection, for sure. Accepting things that happened to me in my childhood without just blocking it out. I turned to music....NF has become one of my favorite artists because he talks a lot about that stuff....If you haven't heard of him, listen to his song "Mansion." I feel like that was written in part for me.
I remember crying the first time I heard the song, "Dear Alcohol" by Dax. "I got wasted cuz I didn't wanna deal with myself tonight, my thoughts get drowned until I feel alright, and I keep drinking till I'm someone I don't recognize..." That whole song is relatable for me.
I remember before O came along, I kept saying to myself, I don't want my kids to remember this version of me...but that was never enough for me to just stop. The thing about all of this is, we can't stop for someone else...we have to stop for ourselves, and we have to want to stop. I just remember drinking on December 18 or 19 of 2021 and thinking, this is so dumb....so pointless. I want this to be my last one. And it was.
This begs the question I know you all (all 2 of you reading this) want me to answer: Will I drink again?
The answer isn't that simple. I hate to say it, but I just don't know. Can I be a social drinker, who can drink 1-2 and be good with it, or will the feelings I had come back and I'll return to drinking to feel numb? I don't know, and is it worth the risk to find out? No. At least not right now.
I'm happy with where my life is now. I can see things clearly, I react to things better than I used to, and I am more present. I don't count the hours of the day down so that I can look forward to drinking, I count them down so my kids can go to sleep (okay I'm jokingg!!!). But seriously, I am proud of myself for making it this far and I am excited for what year 2 of sobriety will bring.
Please leave me comments/questions below! I'd love to hear from you!
Until next time,
E xx
