Wow, so a lot has changed since my last post. Our daughter is here, finally, and there is so much about this experience that is different from the first time around that I wasn't expecting. I'll start with the light stuff and move to the heavy as we go along.
Number one, changing/cleaning her. You'd think, since we're both girls, that I'd know what to do. Turns out, it's a LOT harder than cleaning a boy.
Two. Breastfeeding. Many of you know that for whatever reason, R didn't latch and thus I wasn't able to breastfeed. I am able to this time around, and it is not without its challenges. I still have to watch what I eat and drink because whatever I eat, so does she. While it is cheaper than buying formula, it is not necessarily easier. I am not comfortable breastfeeding in public or around people. I pump milk for her if I have to take her anywhere (which for now is limited to appointments since she is not vaccinated yet). I constantly worry if she's getting enough milk & growing appropriately, since I can't measure out how many ounces she drinks in a feeding. Cluster feeding is painful and stressful because I feel like she's already drained me but somehow there's still milk in there!
Three. Mom guilt. It is real, and for me, it was intense. I did not expect the level of guilt I would feel, I only knew that it would come. R was my whole world for a whole year (we found out we were pregnant shortly after his first birthday). While we wanted our babies close in age and were going to try for #2 regardless, I didn't know it would be like this. It's gotten better, because I'm slowly learning how to balance my time between the two of them, but at first I felt so bad because I thought he wouldn't get enough one on one time. But it's already gotten better.
Four. Coming home from the hospital and getting settled in to everything made me realize how big R suddenly seemed to me. He's not even 2 yet but I remember watching him sleep and getting emotional because he was so...tall. It was one of those moments where you're so happy because they're getting bigger but sad because they're getting bigger.
Five. The bond with P didn't start right away. In fact, it took a couple weeks for me to feel a true connection with her, which is absolutely nuts to me. I wasn't expecting it... At first I thought it would be like, "cool, I'm breastfeeding so we have this amazing connection that only the two of us share and no one can take that from us!" which is true but I didn't really feel it. It saddens me to say that in order for me to really feel connected to her I had to let go of the guilt I had about R, which obviously didn't happen overnight. Today, though, I feel great. I have two amazing babies who are perfect and beautiful and I really feel complete. I feel guilty even admitting that I felt that way, but I figure if I felt it, maybe someone else did too, and they're wondering if they're alone in feeling it and I can say they aren't.
Anyway, I know this is only the beginning and there are plenty more sleepless nights to come. With those sleepless nights come countless memories and a friendship between the two of them that will make all the other stuff so worth it.
I'll try to blog more, but between them and school I don't have lots of time - but after March I'll FINALLY have my BA so that'll free up some time until I decide if I want to pursue my Masters.
Until next time,
xoxo
