Bittersweet

It’s weird admitting out loud that this baby will be our last. We wanted more, but due to unforeseen circumstances, we decided to stop at this one.

I’ve been going through things - baby clothes and shoes, and reminiscing about when they wore them and how quickly time has gone by. At the end of the day they’re just things, but what’s sentimental is the memories of what they looked like when they were small. It’s unreal.

I have 2 more months of this pregnancy and I’ll admit, it doesn’t feel like I’ve soaked it up enough. I’ve been stressed out because of everything happening in the world, I don’t think I’ve taken the time to really enjoy it. I don’t enjoy every aspect, I’ll be honest...but the things I will never feel again - hiccups, baby kicks from the inside, and perhaps my favorite thing - when R says “hi, baby” and kisses my belly (even if he does it a hundred times a day) - those are things I am trying to soak in.

So begins my series of “lasts,” instead of firsts....

A new chapter. 

Post Mother's Day Realizations

Yesterday was an interesting day, much like most days.

It didn't feel out of the ordinarily special. My guess is that when the kids are young, they don't understand that Mother's Day is a day to celebrate mom's and give them a day off. If they do understand, my kids didn't get the memo.

Let me preface the following by saying I love my kids. I have always dreamed of being a mom, and I know that I'm pretty lucky because there are thousands of women who want children and are unable to conceive or carry to term.

This season of life is so hard. I don't know if it's because of the kids ages (5 and 3), or because I'm working from home (thanks, COVID), or some other factor that I'm not considering, but I find myself angry all the time. I seem to yell at the kids more than praise them, barking at them to get out of there, close the door, stop doing this or that...all the while, that anger should be going somewhere else. I count the hours till bedtime and then feel guilty after they're finally asleep, wishing I would have done things differently. It's a vicious cycle.

The problem is, I don't have an outlet. Since I am working from home, I don't have a work/life balance. I'm at a computer from 8am-5pm M-F BUT I'm right in my living room. I still cook breakfast, lunch, and dinner, and try to keep them entertained (thanks, Peppa Pig). To say I need a break is an understatement. Maybe that's wrong, though. Maybe I need a hobby. There are things I used to love to do that I don't do anymore; take reading for example. My reading list is just about as long as my shopping list! I do not have an outlet for these misplaced emotions. I want to articulate everything to D but I don't know where to start. We are opposites in this, in that he loves being at home and away from people, whereas I would rather work at work and be at home after work. I know that I should cherish this time with the kids as they won't be this young again and all that, and I want to...but we also have bills to pay. It is so hard for me to take a break and let them be kids outside for an hour when it's within my 'workday'... it sucks, sometimes.

Mother's Day made me realize that on most days, I don't think I'm a good mom. It also helped me see that I need to work really hard on shifting my priorities, time management, schedules, communicating, and a slew of other issues. Above all, I need to be better about my patience and showing more love to the kids.