Childhood memories creeping into adulthood

 The memories are a bit foggy, I'll admit...but that's largely due to the fact that I've pushed them away for so long, not wanting to face them, hoping they'll fade.

Newsflash - they don't. If anything, they become more vivid as my children get older. Why? I don't have a solid answer, but if I had to wager a guess, I'd say it's because I know I want so much more for my kids, to hide them from the reality that I went through (more on that in a second).

My daughter is the age I was when the darkest period of my life began. I went through something that no one, especially not a five year old, should ever experience. I cannot even fathom what would happen if she ever went through what I did.

I don't remember his face now, but I remember the night like it just happened, and I'll always remember his name. I remember being pushed into a closet, telling me he just wanted to show me something, then just as quickly, his tip was inside me. Moments (or seconds) later, his mom, who was responsible for myself and my brother that night, opened the closet door in horror, and pulled me out of there like it was my fault.

Why am I reliving this moment? Why don't I just let it go?

Not a day goes by that I don't think about what would happen if my daughter were ever in this position. See, it happened to me, and no one believed me because I was so young; there's no way I could possibly know what any of that meant. I don't know what's worse - actually being in that moment and having that nightmare happen, or the fact that no one believed me afterwards.

WRONG.

I used to just push these feelings and thoughts away with alcohol, but after a while, it didn't work...that was never the solution, but I didn't know how else to handle it.

For those who don't know, my last drink was on December 18, 2021. Since then, I have been forced to face all of these repressed memories head on. I don't do therapy (not against it, I've just never done it), so this has been difficult. I am hoping there is someone out there who reads this and can feel better knowing they're not alone in experience, feelings, emotions, etc. It can get better.

That night was over 20 years ago. Things happened before and after that that I may touch on, because so much of it has shaped me today...but I just want whoever is reading this to know that it can and does get better. Your life doesn't have to be determined by crappy moments in your childhood.