Who will you love more?

Reading a friends note on Facebook has inspired some thinking. There was a question on a forum she was a part of asking who would she love more: her child, or her husband? My answer is this...

Now I realize I don't have any children, but I think this question can be answered without them, given my views on marriage, love, and the like.

Despite that motherhood is something I am overly excited for and absolutely cannot wait to experience, I will say that I will love my husband more. Think about it. We choose our mates and we choose to have child(ren) at some point in our lives. We birth them, raise them, and hope that they will go on to make something of themselves and start their own life. But then they leave. Once they're gone, we're left again with our mate...to rediscover, reinvent the relationship, or do whatever it is people do once the kids are gone. For me, that kind of love is forever...there is no

Love is around us in many different forms. I love my dogs, my family, my friends, I love my husband, and I can say with great, absolute conviction that I will love my children. I love them all the same, equally, but for different things and in different ways.

What would your answer be? Do you have children, or are you using your imagination?

deactivating social media

Changes are happening as a result. Stay tuned..

xx

Fail

This weekend was a success in some ways, and a failure in many others. My husband and I and a group of friends went and saw Tim McGraw which was amazing, except one little thing: I told myself I was going to be sober, and it didn't work out that way. Now, I will say that I was not as drunk as those around me...I do in fact remember the concert, but I am disappointed because I let myself down.

I am so easily able to justify it (alcohol) being in my life and make excuses for why I need it. The opposite is true for why it shouldn't be there. I mean, of course I can think of so many reasons why I don't need it, shouldn't drink it, etc, but they are quickly diminished by the thoughts like 'we're so young' and 'you're in the navy' and 'it's easier to have fun and let loose when you drink.'

But, I am trying to remain positive. Remember, I said before that this will not happen overnight. We may fall many times, but it is important to not give up. When we give up is when we truly fail.

I have decided to retract a previous statement. When I said to quit cold turkey, I think that's wrong. It may work for some people, but not everyone. I think it's best to cut back slowly. Limit yourself to only drinking on the weekends, and not getting plastered everytime...just a drink here and there. Then eventually, hopefully, one will find themselves not craving it anymore. Not reaching for the bottle for a temporary buzz.

Is it worth it? That next day feeling? The one that lasts all day no matter how much water we drink, food we eat, or sun we get? The one that only gets worse as we get older?

I don't think so.

There is a light my friends... let's get there.

What it's like to be 25, in the Navy, and tell people you're trying to quit drinking...

"Good luck with that," most of them say.
"Why?" Some of them ask.
"Aren't you going on a deployment soon? You're going to NEED it on deployment!!" They explain.

As always, there are those who laugh it off, give me 'the look' and go on with our conversation.

What I need right now is support from those around me.

I looked my husband in the eyes last night and asked him, "will you support me if I want to quit drinking completely?" He said yes. And he also said he'd support my cutting out meat 100%.

It may go without saying that it is extremely hard to be in my situation and try to stop. Like I said before, YOU have to want it 100%.

The thing about me is, I love attention. I love being the life of the party. Most of the time I will use alcohol to get me there. Part of me feels like alcohol has stunted my growth...set me back a few years so that I am 25 but act 19. I need to get where I was at 19..with goals and a mind set. I need a passion that will set me free, not one that makes me feel trapped. That's one thing about the navy...yes, they take care of us (I wouldn't have this house or medical without them) but there are so many guidelines to follow and restrictions. Even though I make the most of it, myself (and my shipmates, I'm sure) find the bottle as an excuse to escape. It's going to be difficult to find something else for a release...

There comes a moment when you wake up and realize how tired you are of the same shit. I think I've reached that point. I am ready to be a mom, to be a role model and raise a family...but I can't do that until I overcome this...I have to be strong, because if I'm not, how will I show that I'm ready to bring a life into the world?

I think by this point i'm just rambling. It hasn't been easy, but it will be worth it. That's what I've been told, anyway.

Liquid poison

I have been thinking it over, and I have compiled some thoughts regarding how to stop drinking. These steps also apply to other things...smoking, eating crap food, etc. Obviously I am not a professional, I am simply someone who wants to stop and also help others stop if that's what they want, too. Feel free to add your own suggestions. :)

• First things first, you have to want it completely. No 75%, no 'maybe tomorrow'...it's now or never.
• STOP with the excuses (I can't have fun without it, I need it, etc. Newsflash: you don't need it. You are worthy of fun and love without poison in your life).
• Don't pick a drink and say this is your 'last one.' Also, don't pick a date on the calendar and say you'll stop drinking on that date. I have done this countless times and the anticipation and trying to savor that last drink is so difficult. All that does is leave me wanting more. 
• Having a support system is absolutely necessary, whether that be through AA or through family and friends. Lucky for me, I have an amazing husband who will absolutely stand by my decision. No one should go through this alone.  Toxic people = a toxic life, so eliminate those people who don't support you and your choice. 
• You have to do this FOR YOU. At the end of the day, let's be real, we are the only ones who matter...we will ALWAYS find a reason to do something we are trying to quit unless we are 100% on board with stopping for ourselves.
• No baby steps. It's all or nothing. What I mean by that is starting by cutting it out and only drinking on the weekends, or only having one drink per night instead of two...in my experience, cold turkey is the way for everything.
• Make others aware of your intentions. TAKE YOURSELF SERIOUSLY so they can take you seriously. People will respect you a lot more if they see that you really mean it and aren't just talking smack.
• Anticipate that this is not easy and it's not going to happen overnight. Depending on where we are in our lives, we may fail a couple of times. (Also known as relapse)...and that's okay, as long as we don't make it a habit.
• Get a hobby. Simply put, for a lot of us, drinking IS that hobby. Involve yourself in something that challenges your mind so you're not always thinking about alcohol. Learn a new language, read a book, exercise...

I know that for some of us (myself included) it's about the buzz. It doesn't matter how many calories are in a bottle or how much sugar is packed in...it's all about the attention I get. The bigger the buzz, the better. Despite the fact that I know the health impacts, I know it's not good for me, I still crave that feeling. Truth is, it's a poison. It's an addiction. If we (I) can get a hold of it and tame it, then I can control it to a point where I won't need it anymore.

Thank you for reading. Please continue to check in and see how I'm doing with my challenge. I would love to hear everyone's stories of inspiration, of struggle, of whatever you have to offer.

Reflections

This Thursday, as well as being my parents wedding anniversary, is the anniversary of the year I shipped off to boot camp. It's hard to believe that it was 2 years ago...time has gone by so fast! I have crossed paths with so many amazing people that will be in my life years after I get out of the navy. I have cried, laughed, and shared so many countless memories. I have swept so many dust bunnies, only to be encountered by what seems like millions more...

But overall, I enjoy it. There are days when I question my decision, but without the navy, Derek and I wouldn't have this house or the memories we have made here. Without the navy I would have never gotten to drive a multi billion dollar warship...and without the navy, I wouldn't truly know what camaraderie feels like.

Despite its downfalls (like keeping me away from my husband and our dogs), the navy has done me some good. It has made me a better person. I am a way better friend than I was. I am way more independent. I am able to get medical care (dental, eye, and female stuff) for free. In a few years I will be able to go back to school and it will lead me to do what I really want to do.

For me, it's not forever...but it is definitely something I do not regret doing. This year is a whole new level of challenges, I will be going on my first deployment and spending a LOT more time away from home. I am excited though, it's something I think everyone needs to experience. I am anticipating a lot of growth and definite culture shock, but also memories and an education that I can take with me anywhere.

Happy anniversary to me, it's been a pleasure serving my country so far.

A new sort of challenge

Sobriety is not something that comes easy for a lot of us.

For some, it's a daily struggle. Finding a reason to NOT drink is easier than finding reasons to stop. Being around people who always want to drink is hard.

Alcohol is everywhere...in billboards, in music, in newspapers, in our everyday lives. Getting away from it is near impossible.

First off, we have to WANT to stop. For us, not for someone else. Having support makes it easier, but there are always those few who say they support us and then push us to drink and ask why we aren't doing it.

Until we have an awakening, we may not see the full extent of our problem.

So here I am, wanting, once more, to quit. I have the support of my husband, who I'm sure is a little tired of taking care of me after one too many drinks...and I don't blame him one bit for that...It's a fact, I cannot handle my liquor, and I should not be drinking it for that and so many other reasons.

I'm not a teenager anymore, and I can DEFINITELY feel it the next day when I drink too much. It's not worth it.

I'm ready to think about kids, about the next chapter...and alcohol will NOT play a part in that. If I can't quit this, how can I say I'm ready for a family?

My challenge is to stop. 30, 60, 90 days, until I just don't need it anymore.
Deployment without alcohol? Bring it on.

I need support though, this won't be easy. But it will be worth it, I know it.

3

Why is three the "magic number?" why do we count to three to start something, grab 3 apples as opposed to 4, have 3 meals a day?

What makes this number so great?

I understand

Over the past few weeks, I have done a lot of thinking. I have come to the conclusion that I understand why people are unfaithful to their spouses.

That doesn't make it okay.
That doesn't make it right.
That doesn't mean I'm going to do it.

But I understand it now.

Especially from a military perspective.

We are gone a lot. It gets lonely being one of the few happily committed people on the ship and not getting to talk to/see your spouse everyday.

And to look at it from the other side, the spouse is probably lonely, too. They come home from work to an empty, quiet house, alone with their thoughts. Maybe they have friends, maybe they don't. But they are fighting the battle too.

I used to hear about people cheating on their boyfriends/girlfriends/wives/husbands and immediately lose respect for them without even knowing the story or understanding what they were going through. I was close minded to the fact that maybe they had reached an understanding in their marriage that made it okay for them. Not all marriages are as conventional as they used to be. Not all marriages are united by God. Some are just between two people and a piece of paper. And that's okay.

Now don't jump to conclusions about this post. I understand that not everyone shares my perspective. It does not apply to my own marriage! I am simply stating that I have realized that sometimes people step outside their comfort zone to find something else that brings them pleasure and I am okay with that. I find it fascinating, really.

I'm not encouraging it by any means, either. Just simply sharing an opinion on my personal blog. Please comment with your own opinions!

Reasons to wait...

I've been thinking a lot over the past couple of weeks about something that may come off as surprising.

Now, before I proceed, let me tell you a bit about myself. I was engaged and married at age 23. I do not regret a single moment of it. I do not have any children, nor am I a subject matter expert about what I am about to talk about. I have a two year degree in paralegal studies, and a more than full time job in the United States Navy. My husband has his high school diploma and wants to join the police force.

This, and a few other reasons, is why I think it's a good idea to wait until 30 to have kids. Let me elaborate.

My husband and I have been together since we were 19. We hit it off and I just knew that we would be something special.

People say that our 20s is the time for self-exploration, to just enjoy, etc...I do agree with that. Most people go to college, graduate with a Bachelor's right around age 22-23. Then they get married and start their new lives in debt and in love. Then a baby comes.

Others start out in debt with no degree and an "oops" happens, so they never really get to catch up on the bills they have. It's stressful.

By the time 30 comes around, we should have a better understanding of our strengths and weaknesses in regards to money, our relationship, and ourself. Or so I would hope.

Money. That is HUGE. No one is ever financially ready to have a baby. They are expensive. But there is a time when we are more prepared than not, and I think by 30 we have made enough mistakes to know better.

Given my own situation, if I wait till 30, my oldest child will be 13 by the time I retire, which is PERFECT. I won't have to worry about missing out on big moments in their life.

Also, let's say I get pregnant in the next few months. It is almost selfish of me to bring a child into the world when my husband isn't where he wants to be. And, we have two very rowdy dogs. And we aren't where I would like us to be financially. We just...aren't ready. Personally or professionally.

Now I know that "age is just a number," but with age comes wisdom, knowledge, and experience. I want the absolute best for my kids, as we all do. Waiting is that "best."

:)

Thoughts?

Blog challenge day 30

This is the final post for the challenge! 10 things I would hope to be remembered for. In no certain order...

1. My passion for animals.
2. The way I love my husband and family.
3. My laugh.
4. My kid-at-heartedness.
5. My overall passion for life.
6. My love for country music, and how I liked it before it was "cool" or "okay" to like it.
7. How I choose to make the most out of every situation.
8. How everyday I smile.
9. That I'm a good influence.
10. I'm always me, no matter how much people try to judge me.

Please feel free to steal this challenge. It was a lot of fun! Leave me some love in the comments below!