I died today...

I died today. You got tired of me and took me to the shelter. They were overcrowded and I drew an unlucky number. I am in a black plastic bag in a landfill now. Some other puppy will get the barely used leash you left. My collar was dirty and too small, but the lady took it off before she sent me to the Rainbow Bridge . Would I still be at home if I hadn’t chewed your shoe? I didn’t know what it was, but it was leather, and it was on the floor. I was just playing. You forgot to get puppy toys. Would I still be at home if I had been housebroken? Rubbing my nose in what I did only made me ashamed that I had to go at all. There are books and obedience teachers that would have taught you how to teach me to go to the door. Would I still be at home if I hadn’t brought fleas into the house? Without anti-flea medicine, I couldn’t get them off of me after you left me in the yard for days. Would I still be at home if I hadn’t barked? I was only saying, “I’m scared, I’m lonely, I’m here, I’m here! I want to be your best friend.” Would I still be at home if I had made you happy? Hitting me didn’t make me learn how. Would I still be at home if you had taken the time to care for me and to teach manners to me? You didn’t pay attention to me after the first week or so, but I spent all my time waiting for you to love me. I died today. Love, Your Puppy

Does the past really make us stronger?

I've been thinking...do the things that happen to us in our lives that hurt us really make us stronger in the long run? Or do those events traumatize us so much that to relive them makes it hurt? Do the people we date who don't last really help us realize what we don't want in life, or keep us wondering what would have happened if we could have made it work?

There will always be the 'what if's' in life...we will always wonder how our lives would be if we would have taken a different path. The goal is to not regret where we are today or who we've become, but to instead embrace it and love ourselves, even when we can't look at ourselves in the mirror. We cannot dwell on the past, cannot change who we were when we were seventeen...

Dear you...

I feel like when I'm around you, I act like a child. I don't know why. It's like I crave your attention, because you weren't around when I was a child, so I want to make up for lost time. I hate it, because that's not me.

It's crazy how much I look up to you. How badly I want to get to know you. You say we're a lot alike...I can see in some ways, but not in others. I wish I had a life with you like I did with everyone else. I feel like if you'd been around, our bond would be unbreakable. The distance wouldn't matter, you wouldn't let it come between us.

Damn it, I hate that my walls come around you, that I am so insecure, childish. If I could get any part of my childhood back, it'd be the part where you weren't there, just so I could change it & make us closer...

finally home...but home free?

I feel like D and I are finally getting used to the idea of being back in Sequim. We haven't gotten our own place yet, but once we can get our bills taken care of we can start saving for something...anything, at this point. Ideally, I want to rent to own a house...but I just don't know if we're QUITE ready for that. It's hard, having Leo, to find a place because a lot of places don't allow pets -- and if they do, they have to be small. I'm getting my first paycheck in three days, so I think a lot of the stress that's been building up will go away because I'll put a dent in the bills we have.

Anyway, that concludes my boring life right now. Post more soon. xoxo

bills, bills, bills

So as most of you know, I've secured a job. It's a really cool job, something different than what I've done my whole life (even though part of it does involve food). I had two jobs, but I ended up not taking the job at Ross because my schedule at the Holiday Inn is so crazy right now that it'd be too overwhelming. The only thing I don't like about it is that it's minimum wage. I'm fine with being paid minimum wage, but I'm just not used to it because of the OG. I am getting full time hours though, so that's really awesome...I haven't worked full time in a while!

Unfortunately, my bills are two months behind because of moving, etc. So the totals for the month(s) are higher than usual..higher than I've seen in a while, actually. I won't get paid until the 20th, and the phone keeps ringing. I really hope we sell the Jeep so that some of that money can go towards bills. I wanted to start saving $50-$100 every paycheck, but I don't know if I can afford that yet...

I got the list of what I owe son rise. Instead of getting a deposit back, I owe them money. I knew it would happen, but I didn't know it would be as high as it is. It sucks, because it's my first apartment so it's gonna suck to have them as a rental reference. I guess we'll cross that bridge when we get to it... :/

Anyway, I have to work at 6 a.m., so I'm gonna put the sheets on my bed then most likely catch some zzzz's. Night, loyal readers.

Been meaning to write this for a while

I am not pretty. Before you say "oh, yes you are Emily, don't say that!!" let me explain. I will say again. I am not pretty. My eyebrows are too thick and I don't know how to twease them. My hair is one color, which is faded back to my natural, and it's not layered anymore which makes me even more plain Jane. My nose is so small that someone always comments on it, which makes me feel worse. I look funny when I laugh, and ugly when I cry. I am not pretty.

If you look further, my hips are wideset, which offsets the rest of my body. I lost my abs (it's now just flab) which used to give me much joy. I eat way too much and my metabolism is not what it used to be. Don't even get me started on my thighs. My pants no longer fit, my butt has gotten cellulite, stretch mark type things, which I absolutely can't stand, and the rest of my legs are disproportional (hence why my uncle called me chicken legs, also partly why I refuse to wear shorts).

My fashion style leaves something to be desired. I wear socks with open foot-shoes. Don't ask me why, I just hate feet...mine especially.

My point of writing this is not to get attention. There really is no point, I guess, other than I feel like I've needed to get it out. I know I'm not perfect and I should love myself no matter what, but for me, that's hard to do. I've never been particularly popular, never known how to do my hair or makeup the "right way"...everything I know is self-taught.

That's no excuse. I'm not looking for sympathy. I just want someone to read it and know that if they feel the same way, they're not alone. And if they do feel that way, don't let it bring you down..

Update

We are back in Sequim, staying between our parents houses. I am frantically looking for work; I had NO IDEA it would be this hard to get a job!! I'm hoping for a call back from the Holiday Inn, it'd be a nice change from the food and beverage industry. But at the same time, a job is a job and I'll settle for almost anything.

There was a lot more I wanted to say, but I haven't been near a computer lately so most of those thoughts are now forgotten. If I remember and have privacy, I will jot them down. Otherwise, they'll be gone forever.

I'm gonna get going, gonna get some housework done! :)

Letting off steam

I'm just venting here. I am so excited to move, but scared at the same time. I never thought I'd want to go back to Sequim, because there was always nothing to do. But since I've been away I realized just how much I love that town!

We haven't set a move out date, but I'd like to asap, that way I can really get everything else squared away. We're thinking end of June, but again, we need an exact date.

I'm thrilled to start the next chapter of our lives.

WBT - If you were told to write a research paper on ANYTHING IN THE WHOLE WIDE WORLD and it had to be 20 pages long, what would your topic be & why?

My topic would be about animal rights and why the penalties for animal abuse should be stricter/enforced/more severe.
I would go into the history of serial killers, and how the majority (not all, of course, but most) have started their "streak" by killing animals. I would talk about the obvious facts that animals don't have a voice and need supporters. I would also say that animals would be a hell of a lot less dangerous if people were penalized for raising them to be "fighters" (and I might even use snipets from my piece on dog fighting that I did for my legal research class).
I would do it because I feel like it'd actually mean something. It would be hard for me, and I may get emotional, but if I could use it to benefit those without a voice, hell yeah I'd invest in it!!!

Staying organized -- WBT

How do I stay organized? Hmm... I write everything down. This does include putting things in my phone, since I don't always have pen/paper handy. If I have assignments due, I almost immediately put them in my planner. My planner is my friend! After that, I put the due date into my phone with a reminder a couple days beforehand, just so I don't forget. With bills/money, I need some work. My bills are pretty much due around the same time, so I simply remember them. The hard part for me is keeping track of money spent to make sure we have enough for bills. It sucks, because I don't write down what/how much I spend and neither does D, and we don't usually tell each other totals, so a lot of it isn't accounted for and can totally mess up our account balance. IT'S REALLY FRUSTRATING!! lol As for everything else in my life, well, it's organized chaos. And it usually works for me...until I find something better.

WBT - venting...very, very late

Where do I begin?

I am having a hard time enjoying my job these days. I can't say too much, because a girl I worked with just "resigned" (truth is she got fired) for something she posted on Facebook. Let's just say I'm very short tempered, and I'm counting down the months until I'm outta there. It's gotten to the point where I'd rather stay at home and clean then go to work...I would look for another job, but since we're moving in just a few months, I won't waste the effort.

On that note, I am beyond excited to get out of this town. I never thought I'd want to go back to Sequim, but I really do. I needed time to miss it. Our families are there, which will make the holidays and get togethers MUCH less stressful and more enjoyable!

I just looked at my grades from winter quarter, which totally made my morning. I did better than I expected. :) I'm looking forward to my LAST QUARTER EVER at Whatcom starting next week!

I don't really have much else to say, since I can't go into my true feelings about work. I need to go shopping at some point, we don't have a whole lot of food.

I also need to do laundry. The chores never seem to end.

Yesterday I did the dishes, and the dishwasher made them dirtier at the end than they were before I put them in! SO frustrating!

Okay, so I'm off to shower and get my day going. Hopefully I'll start feeling better too!