Him

I've been thinking about my brother. Turns out that reorganizing a room in your house can make that happen. I know i'm dead to him in the eyes of his wife, and i haven't talked to him since november-ish or earlier...but that doesn't stop me from wanting to. I know all i have to do is write him an email...i dont need a response, i just need to tell him things. Maybe he wouldn't even care, but to have it out there would be nice. I'm not even afraid of rejection anymore...i kind of just want a clean slate. With him. Not her. Honestly i dont think she's capable of that.

What should i do?

Can I just speak my mind for a minute?

These budget cuts are ridiculous. I don't know what's going to happen with our schedule because nothing has been canceled but the cuts are looming. They're saying fewer underways to cut on fuel costs. That's great, how about you stop letting people in? How about you get rid of the people who don't want to be there anymore? That will save some money. How about you stop sending ships out for 6-9 months for .... what again? Making allies with other countries? Helping them get straight? We aren't straight...we need to stop helping countries until ours is out of debt and functioning again.

Stop stressing the importance of education but then cutting out tuition assistance. Do you realize how expensive school is? How are we supposed to pay for that with our salary? Which brings me to my next point..

A sailor makes less than or just above minimum wage. Sure we get BAH and medical. But we pay for it. We pay into our GI Bill for the first year of service and if anything happens in the first three years of our contract we lose it. E-1 to E-3 makes exactly the same amount and E-4 doesn't make much more than them but works just as hard and sacrifices the same. Officers get paid twice what we do and they push papers all day. Must be nice.

How about not spending  $3.2-4 TRILLION on a war? I am of course against terrorism but once we caught Bin Laden...wasn't that enough? Wasn't he the sole reason we were there? Maybe I just don't know enough or didn't pay enough attention back then, but why is it taking so long to get the troops home?

Part of me is not complaining...I love being able to come home 6 nights a week to my husband...but part of me wonders what is going to happen...and it scares me...will my job still be secure?

Embracing change

Okay, I'm done. You win. Yesterday I got on the scale and found I gained another pound. That puts me at 121.5. Not a lot for some people, and I know that most people I talk to would kill to weigh that. But not me. This is the most I've ever weighed...so it's a big deal. I've never had to worry about what I eat or portions or counting calories or any of that other bullshit. I was blessed with a high metabolism. But now I'm getting older and I realize that some things have to change if I want to stay small. I don't work out...I never had to. I don't drink enough water...not sure of the reason, to be honest, I just don't.

What I don't know is why now. I have been on birth control for 7 years. I know that one of the side effects is weight gain, but it's never been an issue with me. Is it possible for the female human body's metabolism to just slow down?? It's not like i'm doing anything drastically different. It's frustrating.

Oh and before anyone speculates...NO I am NOT pregnant.

I guess all I can do now is start working out to maintain the weight I want and be more careful about what I eat and drink. Not as much candy/sugar and alcohol...not as big of portions...who knows. Anyone else have suggestions?

Guilt

Do you ever feel guilty because your spouse isn't as successful (by societys standards) as you? You could think the whole world of them and it wouldn't matter because deep down a ping of guilt is there? I mean, i am nothing special. I have my associates degree and i joined the military because i wasn't satisfied with my everyday routine. Sometimes i think that was a mistake but that's a different story. My husband, for those who don't know him, is absolutely genius...smarter than me any day. But he can't hold a job for whatever reason and doesn't have beyond a high school education. Of course i dont care about that, but it's a big deal to those who matter (ie employers).

I want a baby more than just about anything nowadays. I want him to secure a career, too..and i know that'll take a while considering everything. Ugh i just dont know ...

New challenge

I'm not sure about this month. I have a big test coming up on the 21st, but since insurv is over i have more time. Suggestions for a challenge?

Say it if it's worth saving me...

I saw a photo someone took of me recently and had to look twice.

I didn't recognize that person at all.

They said they were going to show me the picture, and then opened up to it. I waited. When they didn't select a different one, I thought, why are they showing me this?

Then I saw it. I will show it to you and let you be the judge, but first let me ask you: have you ever been in a situation like this? It's ...scary thinking you have completely lost yourself.

That's it. Thoughts?

Service vs. civilian

It's funny how life in the military is glamorized before we enter it. The things that no one tells us about beforehand...Before you join but after you sign up, you have so many expectations about where you're going to go, what you're going to accomplish, and all the new people you're going to meet. I'm not gonna lie, it's exciting to put these images together.

But then you get out of boot camp and A school and into the real world, aka the fleet. You're on a ship or shore duty if you're lucky, and you're brand new with your boots shined, ready to take on the world. The happiness wears off after a few months, because you finally realize that this world isn't much different from the civilian world...except it is. You wear the same thing every day, see the same people everyday, and do the same thing everyday. You work from 7am until ... God knows when, and once a week (or more) you have to stay overnight on the ship. You can't call into work, getting there is a pain because of traffic, and you can't leave work early to get a jumpstart on the weekend. Hell, sometimes you don't even get a weekend.

Sleeping on board when you're underway (not moored to a pier) is exhausting. Waking up at random hours to stand watch, or sleeping through the night but having to wake up at reville is just as bad...one shower is to be shared between 30+ females, there is no room to move and you have no personal space whatsoever. It's a mess.

There is a plus side, though. All the hours spent on the ship make the hours away from it more enjoyable. We learn to not take time for granted. We make sure the time we spend with our families is enjoyable...even if it's just making breakfast together, sleeping in, or doing whatever. We make it count.

Being married is hard. You hope your other half understands that you love them and would be at home if you could, but this job doesn't permit it.

Funny thing about it is, I like this life. Sometimes. Most of the time. I'm making the best of it because i signed up to do this...so I find ways to enjoy it. :)

Beyond the Myth

I just got done watching a documentary called Beyond the Myth, about the misconception and obvious discrimination against pitbulls (and other dogs, but mostly pits). It was fascinating. I have the trailer below, I strongly encourage everyone to watch it. It's an hour and a half, made in 2010, and it's on Netflix. Totally worth it.

I am appalled at mankind. Watch the movie, form your own opinion. I wish there was more i could do, but I don't know where to start.

Watch the video here.

First challenge completed!

I vowed to drink no alcohol for 30 days. It was hard, but I needed to do it. There were times that I wanted to have a drink (or several) after work because it's SO STRESSFUL, but I refrained. I've said before that my dad was an alcoholic, and the thought of becoming dependent on that scares me. I know that if I had anything to worry about, I wouldn't have lasted 30 days. Hell, I wouldn't have lasted 3 days!

I'm super proud of myself. This months challenge will be to refrain from eating red meat. :) Yay!

Like our parents...

I can't help thinking about where my parents were when they were my age. I think a lot of us compare our lives to theirs, because we want to find some satisfaction in our own successes...or maybe we just want to learn from them, do better, I don't know. I'm 24 and I feel like I've done nothing with my life, but I know that's not true...I just...I don't know, maybe got a late start, if nothing else. In the grand scheme of things, I've done pretty well. I got my associates degree, which I paid for on my own...I moved into my own apartment when I was 19, and lived there for a good 4 years. I've been with the same guy for the past 5 years, and I married him with no doubt in my mind that we were meant for each other. I joined the Navy when I was 23...on one hand I'm glad I did, because I got some life experience in...if I had joined straight out of high school, I wouldn't have the same outlook. On the other hand, joining at 23 means that I spend my day with 18-20 year old little boys, who are not always easy to work with. But, I genuinely love what I do, which is not what I expected.

A lot of people my age have kids. When my mom was my age, she had one son and another on the way. I have two dogs, a budding career, and I'm still considered a newlywed. I dream of having kids all the time...I know I want them someday. But could I handle it now? I don't know. Luckily, there isn't the expectation of the stay at home, always pregnant mom image anymore...women are allowed to be free thinkers, have careers, and start families when they're older. So I'm not under pressure. However, I do want all my children to be born before I'm 30, and I don't want to have them when my metabolism slows down. Maybe that's a selfish thought, I don't know...but frankly, I don't care because it's my body. lol

Why am I saying all this? I think it's to remind myself that just because I'm not a mother, doesn't mean I'm not where I'm supposed to be. It doesn't mean I'm a failure. My time will come and when it does, I'm gonna be even more in love than I am now. I think I'm gonna be a great mom, because I have such high expectations and will know what I do and don't want to teach them. :)

Thoughts?

My unofficially official 30 day challenge

I'm not big on resolutions...to be honest I usually forget the ones I make, if I do make them at all, and if I do, it's always the same: do good in school, grow up, etc.

So instead of resolutions, I am doing challenges. Starting with 30 days, then going to 90, 180, etc. until I make it a year. My first challenge is 30 days of no alcohol. I haven't had a sip since last Saturday, so I haven't made it a week yet, but I also haven't had the desire to drink. So far it's going well. I'll keep updates for the next three weeks as well...and perhaps I'll be feeling better!

Some other 30 day challenges I forsee for myself:

-no caffeine
-no red meat
-no meat at all
-no candy
-morning/evening yoga or tae bo

and I may have small challenges in there too...stay tuned! :)