The hard times

Parenthood is hard.

Motherhood is harder.

Transitioning from a stay at home mom to a working mom has been one of the hardest transitions I've ever made, and I'm still working on it.

As with most things, I have good days and bad. I get frustrated when I'm home because I have zero personal space. They want to be around me and I should revel in it, but I tend to get irritated instead.

Today, I visited my son at school and he didn't want me to go. It broke my heart. I hate everything I'm missing out on, and I hate not being home everyday for them.

I want them to know that I love them more than anything, and I hope that they know that every single thing I do is because of and for them.

Ten things

I was perusing Pinterest for some Keto meal ideas and along with that stumbled upon a 30 day writers challenge. I am excited to announce this, because it gives me some topics, and it also gives you insight to me.

Blogging has always been a hobby of mine that I enjoyed, but never had a specific topic; some bloggers blog about mom life, some are lifestyle bloggers, whereas I'm a whatever I feel like writing about type. I don't have a target audience or end goal, I just write and I hope that someone else can relate. I don't know if anyone even reads it, but at the end of the day it's fun for me, so I guess that works out.

The first days topic is ten things that make me really happy. I don't want to be cliché but I probably will be. Get over it. :P There is no order to this...but they will be numbered just to keep track.

1. My kids. Even on our worst day, they make me happier than I have ever been. Being a mom has been number one on my bucket list for as long as I can remember, and I am so happy I have achieved it.

2. My marriage. I am pretty proud to say that we have been together for as long as we have. It hasn't always been easy, but he has sacrificed a lot so that I can achieve my dreams and for that, 'thank you' isn't enough. We are still so young and we have a lot of future left, I'm excited to see where the next season takes us.

3. The relationship I have with my parents. We have always been close. I was never the type to rebel against my parents as a kid/teen; I'd much rather have them as friends. They are such great grandparents too...my step dad will never admit it, but he loves my kids enough to chase my son in the yard or even let my daughter paint his fingernails. He's a softie when they come around.

4. The relationship I have with my siblings. I am the youngest and only girl. I have been blessed with three older brothers who have carried me through adulthood from a tumultuous childhood. I would not be the same person without them. I am so, so thankful to be so close to them...even if I don't see them for a while, we always pick up where we left off.

5. My tribe. Sometimes I wonder why I have any friends at all, but these women lift me (and each other) up in our worst moments. I couldn't ask for a better set of friends.

6. The changing seasons. This makes me happy because it reminds me that this life is changing, new life is blooming, and it's not over.

7. Conversations with my grandma Jo. Whether they are short or long, in written form or over the phone, talking to her puts me at ease and I smile the whole time. I cannot even express how much I want to be like her and make her proud.

8. A really good, relatable song. Music has the ability to change our entire day...and it can help us remember things we thought we forgot which is great.

9. My accomplishments. I have served my country, I am about 8 months away from getting my Masters degree, and I have the two best kids on the planet. Short of being a homeowner, I have everything I've ever wanted. It hasn't always been easy but I am proud of what I've done so far.

10. Last, seeing other people in love. It's cheesy, but I've loved it since I was a kid. The world needs more love.

Stay tuned for tomorrow's topic:

"What is something that someone has told me about that I haven't forgotten?"

What do you want to see?

I am writing mostly to check in and say I’m still here. I have so many things I WANT to write about but I’m not sure when or if I will get to it.

There are lots of things I would like to blog about, but I am always looking for new ideas, too! What would you like to see?

Comment below. 

Real talk

i hate my body.

there, I said it.

I went to the beach yesterday and kept my T-shirt on the whole time.

Not because of my stretch marks - I don’t mind those.

I did it because I cannot stand to feel my fat on my hips every time my hand touches it.

I did it because without a T-shirt, I cannot hide my pooch (aka food belly).

I did it because I lack confidence from my head to my toes. Always have.

I tell my daughter she is beautiful every single day multiple times a day and I mean it 100%. She doesn’t know what it feels like to be insecure and I hope she never does.

We get shamed when we’re too big and we get shamed when we’re too small. We can’t win. The worst part is, our worst critic is ourselves.

Camping without kids

A couple weekends ago, D and I packed up our tents and our two dogs and hit the road - without our children. Our goal was to start camping again and we thought it would be best to have a trial run without them just in case. I can count on one hand the number of times I have been camping as a child, so I was rusty...but I love being in nature, so I was up for the challenge. We also needed alone time. When you don’t have kids, you don’t realize how important it is to reconnect and get away from the crazy and just be a couple. For us, considering the recent changes in our lives, this was 100% necessary. We needed to not be Mom and Dad for a couple days (even though we still are, 24/7, 365, no matter what)...we HAD to make the time for us.

It’s hard leaving them. I have been working so much, I feel like I don’t see them enough as it is, so taking a few days away from them voluntarily seemed crazy. Once we got on the road, it was okay. I  finished a book I have been reading for months, I went for a few walks, I assembled and disassembled the tent, and I was able to relax.

It was great. Little rainy, but fun.

Next time, the kiddos are coming. It’s not the same without them.

What are your thoughts?

Until next time,
Xoxo

How deleting Facebook is like grieving in today’s society

Almost a month ago, my husband and I made the collective decision to delete our facebooks.


I was about ready to with or without him, but it’s always nice to have both of us do it, that way there’s less temptation.

I used Facebook for what it was meant to be used for at its inception - social media. I used it to keep in touch with friends and family from all over, to share photos of our children and see photos of theirs. I was in Mom groups and other groups as well. I did not use it as a political platform, and that is probably the number one reason why I finally decided to give it up for good.

I couldn’t get away from it. It got to the point where unfollowing the individuals wasn’t enough. People would take memes for fact and use Facebook as a “credible” news source instead of doing their own research. It was sad, more than frustrating. I had enough.
We decided to delete it, and at first it was horrible. The first week was probably the worst, and then it continued as I got closer to the point where it would be gone forever. I noticed that people stopped reaching out...somehow it’s harder without Facebook to say hello? Apparently?
I’m past that point, and I gotta say, my life is better without Facebook. I have Instagram which still allows me to share pictures of my life (aka kids) ;) and has better security, in my opinion. The internet is a scary place, and it is important to me who sees (and doesn’t see) their pictures.

Life is good. D and I just got home from a little camping trip, which leads me to introduce my next discussion post - camping without kids - would you, or wouldn’t you? Stay tuned - subscribe to my blog so you get the latest notifications.

Until next time,

Xoxo

The back and forth is so unnerving

I always wanted four. Right now, we have 2. I said I’d be done at or before I turned 30. I’ll be 30 in 4 months. Some would say I’m still in my prime for “baby making” and it’s okay, because I’m still young and I still have time.

Some days, I am done. Completely. Between the dirty diapers and tantrums and lack of personal space, I would be crazy to start over.

But then, just as soon as I think I’m done, I long for the newborn stage, where all they do is sleep and you are their favorite thing. Before they become two and are full of sass, becoming their own person, long before the struggle of potty training starts. Before all the leaps and teething and sleepless nights.

There is nothing in the world that compares to being a Mom. Despite the exhaustion and constant worry, there is nothing better.

I don’t know how people know for sure. I have one of each, I should be good, right? It doesn’t always work like that.

Please, tell me how you knew you were done. ❤️

Redirection

It's been almost a year to the day since I've blogged. It would take a while to update on every single change, so I won't do that. Instead, I'll highlight the most important things.

I am taking a month off of school. This isn't necessarily intentional, but it is needed. I am getting burnt out from the grind My past two classes have not gone the way I planned and my GPA has suffered for it. I'll bounce back, but this break is necessary; I need to refocus.

About a month ago, I returned to the work force. Don't get me wrong, being a stay at home mom was amazing and I loved (almost) every minute of it. I am so grateful that I got to be with my babes all the time for about 2 years. That said, I am meant to be in the workforce. I have an impeccable work ethic; I love being with other people. Also, my husband was getting burnt out from his job. Part of our marriage vows is "in sickness and health"...I take them pretty seriously. My husband needs to figure out what he wants to do, and for now, that's being there for our children. We have time for us, but our kids need us now...not someone else to raise them. So, we decided to "switch roles" for now. I feel okay about it since I make good money and I know my babies are being taken care of with their daddy and not a babysitter.

Less than 24 hours ago, I deleted facebook. It got too political and ridiculous. I'm still on instagram, so if you need my username, ask me!

I'm going to try to keep up with blogging, because I do miss it!

Scale of deception

"I just want to lose 11 pounds," I said to myself. That shouldn't be too hard, and it would still keep me at a healthy, realistic number.

I will never again be my pre-pregnancy weight, and I'm okay with that. I have a completely different body now & it wouldn't look the same if I were that size.

Why are we, as a culture and especially females, so fixated on the number on a scale? It's not acceptable to be a certain weight otherwise we're fat and unhealthy. Yet, if we lose weight, we must be too skinny & starving ourselves.

Body shaming needs to stop.

The truth is, it's about more than the numbers on a scale...we need to stop focusing on that and more on our health.

Those around us should do the same. 

Mom: I get it, and I'm sorry

Growing up, my mom worked 5 days a week, 8-10 hours a day. I may not have seen the sacrifice then, but I do now. I am lucky to stay at home with my kids, but I have also had my share of working the long hours that never seem to end.

On her days off, all she wanted to do was relax. This included wearing sweat pants instead of jeans and letting her "girls" roam free. She would pull her hair back into whatever style kept it out of her face - usually a pony tail because that was simplest. I would poke fun at her and sometimes think that I would be the opposite of that when I became a mom.

Queue the laughter.

I get it now, mom. Sure, I stay at home, but that doesn't mean I don't work. Putting sweats on in the morning and wearing them all day because it works is absolutely fine. I don't remember the last time I wore a bra - then again, I am breast feeding so it would just get in the way. Regardless, it's a hell of a lot more comfortable!

Rarely is my hair down. Between constantly picking up after everyone and playing with the kids, that would be too much. To add, my daughter would just pull it, so keeping it out of her reach is ideal.

I just want to apologize to my mom. If I knew then what I know now, I would never had poked fun. It's kind of like laughing when you got your sneeze fits - I don't find those so funny now, either! :P

I get it now. I love you. mom, and I'm sorry.

Round 2 has begun

Wow, so a lot has changed since my last post. Our daughter is here, finally, and there is so much about this experience that is different from the first time around that I wasn't expecting. I'll start with the light stuff and move to the heavy as we go along.

Number one, changing/cleaning her. You'd think, since we're both girls, that I'd know what to do. Turns out, it's a LOT harder than cleaning a boy.

Two. Breastfeeding. Many of you know that for whatever reason, R didn't latch and thus I wasn't able to breastfeed. I am able to this time around, and it is not without its challenges. I still have to watch what I eat and drink because whatever I eat, so does she. While it is cheaper than buying formula, it is not necessarily easier. I am not comfortable breastfeeding in public or around people. I pump milk for her if I have to take her anywhere (which for now is limited to appointments since she is not vaccinated yet). I constantly worry if she's getting enough milk & growing appropriately, since I can't measure out how many ounces she drinks in a feeding. Cluster feeding is painful and stressful because I feel like she's already drained me but somehow there's still milk in there!

Three. Mom guilt. It is real, and for me, it was intense. I did not expect the level of guilt I would feel, I only knew that it would come. R was my whole world for a whole year (we found out we were pregnant shortly after his first birthday). While we wanted our babies close in age and were going to try for #2 regardless, I didn't know it would be like this. It's gotten better, because I'm slowly learning how to balance my time between the two of them, but at first I felt so bad because I thought he wouldn't get enough one on one time. But it's already gotten better.

Four. Coming home from the hospital and getting settled in to everything made me realize how big R suddenly seemed to me. He's not even 2 yet but I remember watching him sleep and getting emotional because he was so...tall. It was one of those moments where you're so happy because they're getting bigger but sad because they're getting bigger.

Five. The bond with P didn't start right away. In fact, it took a couple weeks for me to feel a true connection with her, which is absolutely nuts to me. I wasn't expecting it... At first I thought it would be like, "cool, I'm breastfeeding so we have this amazing connection that only the two of us share and no one can take that from us!" which is true but I didn't really feel it. It saddens me to say that in order for me to really feel connected to her I had to let go of the guilt I had about R, which obviously didn't happen overnight. Today, though, I feel great. I have two amazing babies who are perfect and beautiful and I really feel complete. I feel guilty even admitting that I felt that way, but I figure if I felt it, maybe someone else did too, and they're wondering if they're alone in feeling it and I can say they aren't.

Anyway, I know this is only the beginning and there are plenty more sleepless nights to come. With those sleepless nights come countless memories and a friendship between the two of them that will make all the other stuff so worth it.

I'll try to blog more, but between them and school I don't have lots of time - but after March I'll FINALLY have my BA so that'll free up some time until I decide if I want to pursue my Masters.

Until next time,
xoxo