One Year

 A few days ago, I celebrated a year of sobriety. 

No alcohol.

This is, I believe, the first time in my adult life that I have gone this far without it.

It wasn't so bad in my 20s. I did the "normal" things, even less than the "normal" person who was in college and/or living away from home.

I don't know when exactly it became more of a crutch, but I remember feeling like I needed it in order to get through things. I would drink to feel numb because I thought chasing that feeling would be better than facing my issues head on.

I could easily drink 3 24 oz Trulys in one night and go to work the next morning. I am aware that Truly's are not hard alcohol, and a lot of people had it worse than me in that regard. I couldn't do much wine because I hated the hangover. I didn't do hard alcohol very often because I didn't like the taste. I didn't drink it for the taste, I drank it for the effect, and that's where I get in trouble. The more I drank, the more I could tolerate, which meant it took longer for me to "catch" the feeling I was chasing (aka the numbness). 

So, what has the past year been like?

It was hard at first...I had to avoid certain grocery stores because they sold the stuff I would drink and it was easily accessible. I remember the small victory I felt the first time I was able to go into one of those stores and not make a B line for the drink section. 

Then came having to cope with things like my emotions, my anxiety, etc., without turning to alcohol. 

This year has been one of reflection, for sure. Accepting things that happened to me in my childhood without just blocking it out. I turned to music....NF has become one of my favorite artists because he talks a lot about that stuff....If you haven't heard of him, listen to his song "Mansion." I feel like that was written in part for me. 

I remember crying the first time I heard the song, "Dear Alcohol" by Dax. "I got wasted cuz I didn't wanna deal with myself tonight, my thoughts get drowned until I feel alright, and I keep drinking till I'm someone I don't recognize..." That whole song is relatable for me. 

I remember before O came along, I kept saying to myself, I don't want my kids to remember this version of me...but that was never enough for me to just stop. The thing about all of this is, we can't stop for someone else...we have to stop for ourselves, and we have to want to stop. I just remember drinking on December 18 or 19 of 2021 and thinking, this is so dumb....so pointless. I want this to be my last one. And it was. 

This begs the question I know you all (all 2 of you reading this) want me to answer: Will I drink again?

The answer isn't that simple. I hate to say it, but I just don't know. Can I be a social drinker, who can drink 1-2 and be good with it, or will the feelings I had come back and I'll return to drinking to feel numb? I don't know, and is it worth the risk to find out? No. At least not right now.

I'm happy with where my life is now. I can see things clearly, I react to things better than I used to, and I am more present. I don't count the hours of the day down so that I can look forward to drinking, I count them down so my kids can go to sleep (okay I'm jokingg!!!). But seriously, I am proud of myself for making it this far and I am excited for what year 2 of sobriety will bring.

Please leave me comments/questions below! I'd love to hear from you!

Until next time, 

E xx

Childhood memories creeping into adulthood

 The memories are a bit foggy, I'll admit...but that's largely due to the fact that I've pushed them away for so long, not wanting to face them, hoping they'll fade.

Newsflash - they don't. If anything, they become more vivid as my children get older. Why? I don't have a solid answer, but if I had to wager a guess, I'd say it's because I know I want so much more for my kids, to hide them from the reality that I went through (more on that in a second).

My daughter is the age I was when the darkest period of my life began. I went through something that no one, especially not a five year old, should ever experience. I cannot even fathom what would happen if she ever went through what I did.

I don't remember his face now, but I remember the night like it just happened, and I'll always remember his name. I remember being pushed into a closet, telling me he just wanted to show me something, then just as quickly, his tip was inside me. Moments (or seconds) later, his mom, who was responsible for myself and my brother that night, opened the closet door in horror, and pulled me out of there like it was my fault.

Why am I reliving this moment? Why don't I just let it go?

Not a day goes by that I don't think about what would happen if my daughter were ever in this position. See, it happened to me, and no one believed me because I was so young; there's no way I could possibly know what any of that meant. I don't know what's worse - actually being in that moment and having that nightmare happen, or the fact that no one believed me afterwards.

WRONG.

I used to just push these feelings and thoughts away with alcohol, but after a while, it didn't work...that was never the solution, but I didn't know how else to handle it.

For those who don't know, my last drink was on December 18, 2021. Since then, I have been forced to face all of these repressed memories head on. I don't do therapy (not against it, I've just never done it), so this has been difficult. I am hoping there is someone out there who reads this and can feel better knowing they're not alone in experience, feelings, emotions, etc. It can get better.

That night was over 20 years ago. Things happened before and after that that I may touch on, because so much of it has shaped me today...but I just want whoever is reading this to know that it can and does get better. Your life doesn't have to be determined by crappy moments in your childhood. 

Big and small days

 

There are the big days when I think of you; your birthday, the day you died, Father’s Day…all the holidays that you’re no longer here for.

Then there are the small days when I just miss you. The ordinary, nothing special days, when I wish I could call you, tell you about work, ask your advice, hear you laugh again, hug you one more time, tell you about something I saw that reminded me of you…at the end of the day, those ordinary moments are what I hold on to and what I will try my hardest to never forget. Today is a small day, right now is one of those moments.

What I long for most is a picture of us, so I can revisit a memory…but all I have are a handful of memories that fade a little more each day. I rely on those who knew you to keep your memory and spirit alive, and tell me things about you that I wouldn’t have known.

It's true what people say, that it gets easier but we never get over it.

Grief is an interesting thing; most days I'm ok. Sometimes I feel like I'm drowning.

Where to start…

 I’m ready to bring this blog back. I have so much to say and I just want to help people. Or relate to people, I don’t know. 

I’ve had so much growth, reflection, and change over this past year…I want to get it out, not just leave it in my head.

I want to talk about motherhood, as a working mom with three kids. I want to talk about my oldest sons journey with autism. I want to talk about mental health and a lifelong battle with anxiety, depression, and how alcohol has played into all of that. I want to be real about my struggles with food, alcohol, and managing (or not) my emotions and my temper. I will also talk about my journey with the Navy because that was a fair chapter of my life. 

I’d like to check in at least once a week. If you haven’t subscribed, make sure you do. 

See you soon. 

Bittersweet

It’s weird admitting out loud that this baby will be our last. We wanted more, but due to unforeseen circumstances, we decided to stop at this one.

I’ve been going through things - baby clothes and shoes, and reminiscing about when they wore them and how quickly time has gone by. At the end of the day they’re just things, but what’s sentimental is the memories of what they looked like when they were small. It’s unreal.

I have 2 more months of this pregnancy and I’ll admit, it doesn’t feel like I’ve soaked it up enough. I’ve been stressed out because of everything happening in the world, I don’t think I’ve taken the time to really enjoy it. I don’t enjoy every aspect, I’ll be honest...but the things I will never feel again - hiccups, baby kicks from the inside, and perhaps my favorite thing - when R says “hi, baby” and kisses my belly (even if he does it a hundred times a day) - those are things I am trying to soak in.

So begins my series of “lasts,” instead of firsts....

A new chapter. 

Post Mother's Day Realizations

Yesterday was an interesting day, much like most days.

It didn't feel out of the ordinarily special. My guess is that when the kids are young, they don't understand that Mother's Day is a day to celebrate mom's and give them a day off. If they do understand, my kids didn't get the memo.

Let me preface the following by saying I love my kids. I have always dreamed of being a mom, and I know that I'm pretty lucky because there are thousands of women who want children and are unable to conceive or carry to term.

This season of life is so hard. I don't know if it's because of the kids ages (5 and 3), or because I'm working from home (thanks, COVID), or some other factor that I'm not considering, but I find myself angry all the time. I seem to yell at the kids more than praise them, barking at them to get out of there, close the door, stop doing this or that...all the while, that anger should be going somewhere else. I count the hours till bedtime and then feel guilty after they're finally asleep, wishing I would have done things differently. It's a vicious cycle.

The problem is, I don't have an outlet. Since I am working from home, I don't have a work/life balance. I'm at a computer from 8am-5pm M-F BUT I'm right in my living room. I still cook breakfast, lunch, and dinner, and try to keep them entertained (thanks, Peppa Pig). To say I need a break is an understatement. Maybe that's wrong, though. Maybe I need a hobby. There are things I used to love to do that I don't do anymore; take reading for example. My reading list is just about as long as my shopping list! I do not have an outlet for these misplaced emotions. I want to articulate everything to D but I don't know where to start. We are opposites in this, in that he loves being at home and away from people, whereas I would rather work at work and be at home after work. I know that I should cherish this time with the kids as they won't be this young again and all that, and I want to...but we also have bills to pay. It is so hard for me to take a break and let them be kids outside for an hour when it's within my 'workday'... it sucks, sometimes.

Mother's Day made me realize that on most days, I don't think I'm a good mom. It also helped me see that I need to work really hard on shifting my priorities, time management, schedules, communicating, and a slew of other issues. Above all, I need to be better about my patience and showing more love to the kids.

End of the year update

The hard times

Parenthood is hard.

Motherhood is harder.

Transitioning from a stay at home mom to a working mom has been one of the hardest transitions I've ever made, and I'm still working on it.

As with most things, I have good days and bad. I get frustrated when I'm home because I have zero personal space. They want to be around me and I should revel in it, but I tend to get irritated instead.

Today, I visited my son at school and he didn't want me to go. It broke my heart. I hate everything I'm missing out on, and I hate not being home everyday for them.

I want them to know that I love them more than anything, and I hope that they know that every single thing I do is because of and for them.

Ten things

I was perusing Pinterest for some Keto meal ideas and along with that stumbled upon a 30 day writers challenge. I am excited to announce this, because it gives me some topics, and it also gives you insight to me.

Blogging has always been a hobby of mine that I enjoyed, but never had a specific topic; some bloggers blog about mom life, some are lifestyle bloggers, whereas I'm a whatever I feel like writing about type. I don't have a target audience or end goal, I just write and I hope that someone else can relate. I don't know if anyone even reads it, but at the end of the day it's fun for me, so I guess that works out.

The first days topic is ten things that make me really happy. I don't want to be cliché but I probably will be. Get over it. :P There is no order to this...but they will be numbered just to keep track.

1. My kids. Even on our worst day, they make me happier than I have ever been. Being a mom has been number one on my bucket list for as long as I can remember, and I am so happy I have achieved it.

2. My marriage. I am pretty proud to say that we have been together for as long as we have. It hasn't always been easy, but he has sacrificed a lot so that I can achieve my dreams and for that, 'thank you' isn't enough. We are still so young and we have a lot of future left, I'm excited to see where the next season takes us.

3. The relationship I have with my parents. We have always been close. I was never the type to rebel against my parents as a kid/teen; I'd much rather have them as friends. They are such great grandparents too...my step dad will never admit it, but he loves my kids enough to chase my son in the yard or even let my daughter paint his fingernails. He's a softie when they come around.

4. The relationship I have with my siblings. I am the youngest and only girl. I have been blessed with three older brothers who have carried me through adulthood from a tumultuous childhood. I would not be the same person without them. I am so, so thankful to be so close to them...even if I don't see them for a while, we always pick up where we left off.

5. My tribe. Sometimes I wonder why I have any friends at all, but these women lift me (and each other) up in our worst moments. I couldn't ask for a better set of friends.

6. The changing seasons. This makes me happy because it reminds me that this life is changing, new life is blooming, and it's not over.

7. Conversations with my grandma Jo. Whether they are short or long, in written form or over the phone, talking to her puts me at ease and I smile the whole time. I cannot even express how much I want to be like her and make her proud.

8. A really good, relatable song. Music has the ability to change our entire day...and it can help us remember things we thought we forgot which is great.

9. My accomplishments. I have served my country, I am about 8 months away from getting my Masters degree, and I have the two best kids on the planet. Short of being a homeowner, I have everything I've ever wanted. It hasn't always been easy but I am proud of what I've done so far.

10. Last, seeing other people in love. It's cheesy, but I've loved it since I was a kid. The world needs more love.

Stay tuned for tomorrow's topic:

"What is something that someone has told me about that I haven't forgotten?"

What do you want to see?

I am writing mostly to check in and say I’m still here. I have so many things I WANT to write about but I’m not sure when or if I will get to it.

There are lots of things I would like to blog about, but I am always looking for new ideas, too! What would you like to see?

Comment below. 

Real talk

i hate my body.

there, I said it.

I went to the beach yesterday and kept my T-shirt on the whole time.

Not because of my stretch marks - I don’t mind those.

I did it because I cannot stand to feel my fat on my hips every time my hand touches it.

I did it because without a T-shirt, I cannot hide my pooch (aka food belly).

I did it because I lack confidence from my head to my toes. Always have.

I tell my daughter she is beautiful every single day multiple times a day and I mean it 100%. She doesn’t know what it feels like to be insecure and I hope she never does.

We get shamed when we’re too big and we get shamed when we’re too small. We can’t win. The worst part is, our worst critic is ourselves.