The back and forth is so unnerving

I always wanted four. Right now, we have 2. I said I’d be done at or before I turned 30. I’ll be 30 in 4 months. Some would say I’m still in my prime for “baby making” and it’s okay, because I’m still young and I still have time.

Some days, I am done. Completely. Between the dirty diapers and tantrums and lack of personal space, I would be crazy to start over.

But then, just as soon as I think I’m done, I long for the newborn stage, where all they do is sleep and you are their favorite thing. Before they become two and are full of sass, becoming their own person, long before the struggle of potty training starts. Before all the leaps and teething and sleepless nights.

There is nothing in the world that compares to being a Mom. Despite the exhaustion and constant worry, there is nothing better.

I don’t know how people know for sure. I have one of each, I should be good, right? It doesn’t always work like that.

Please, tell me how you knew you were done. ❤️

Redirection

It's been almost a year to the day since I've blogged. It would take a while to update on every single change, so I won't do that. Instead, I'll highlight the most important things.

I am taking a month off of school. This isn't necessarily intentional, but it is needed. I am getting burnt out from the grind My past two classes have not gone the way I planned and my GPA has suffered for it. I'll bounce back, but this break is necessary; I need to refocus.

About a month ago, I returned to the work force. Don't get me wrong, being a stay at home mom was amazing and I loved (almost) every minute of it. I am so grateful that I got to be with my babes all the time for about 2 years. That said, I am meant to be in the workforce. I have an impeccable work ethic; I love being with other people. Also, my husband was getting burnt out from his job. Part of our marriage vows is "in sickness and health"...I take them pretty seriously. My husband needs to figure out what he wants to do, and for now, that's being there for our children. We have time for us, but our kids need us now...not someone else to raise them. So, we decided to "switch roles" for now. I feel okay about it since I make good money and I know my babies are being taken care of with their daddy and not a babysitter.

Less than 24 hours ago, I deleted facebook. It got too political and ridiculous. I'm still on instagram, so if you need my username, ask me!

I'm going to try to keep up with blogging, because I do miss it!

Scale of deception

"I just want to lose 11 pounds," I said to myself. That shouldn't be too hard, and it would still keep me at a healthy, realistic number.

I will never again be my pre-pregnancy weight, and I'm okay with that. I have a completely different body now & it wouldn't look the same if I were that size.

Why are we, as a culture and especially females, so fixated on the number on a scale? It's not acceptable to be a certain weight otherwise we're fat and unhealthy. Yet, if we lose weight, we must be too skinny & starving ourselves.

Body shaming needs to stop.

The truth is, it's about more than the numbers on a scale...we need to stop focusing on that and more on our health.

Those around us should do the same. 

Mom: I get it, and I'm sorry

Growing up, my mom worked 5 days a week, 8-10 hours a day. I may not have seen the sacrifice then, but I do now. I am lucky to stay at home with my kids, but I have also had my share of working the long hours that never seem to end.

On her days off, all she wanted to do was relax. This included wearing sweat pants instead of jeans and letting her "girls" roam free. She would pull her hair back into whatever style kept it out of her face - usually a pony tail because that was simplest. I would poke fun at her and sometimes think that I would be the opposite of that when I became a mom.

Queue the laughter.

I get it now, mom. Sure, I stay at home, but that doesn't mean I don't work. Putting sweats on in the morning and wearing them all day because it works is absolutely fine. I don't remember the last time I wore a bra - then again, I am breast feeding so it would just get in the way. Regardless, it's a hell of a lot more comfortable!

Rarely is my hair down. Between constantly picking up after everyone and playing with the kids, that would be too much. To add, my daughter would just pull it, so keeping it out of her reach is ideal.

I just want to apologize to my mom. If I knew then what I know now, I would never had poked fun. It's kind of like laughing when you got your sneeze fits - I don't find those so funny now, either! :P

I get it now. I love you. mom, and I'm sorry.

Round 2 has begun

Wow, so a lot has changed since my last post. Our daughter is here, finally, and there is so much about this experience that is different from the first time around that I wasn't expecting. I'll start with the light stuff and move to the heavy as we go along.

Number one, changing/cleaning her. You'd think, since we're both girls, that I'd know what to do. Turns out, it's a LOT harder than cleaning a boy.

Two. Breastfeeding. Many of you know that for whatever reason, R didn't latch and thus I wasn't able to breastfeed. I am able to this time around, and it is not without its challenges. I still have to watch what I eat and drink because whatever I eat, so does she. While it is cheaper than buying formula, it is not necessarily easier. I am not comfortable breastfeeding in public or around people. I pump milk for her if I have to take her anywhere (which for now is limited to appointments since she is not vaccinated yet). I constantly worry if she's getting enough milk & growing appropriately, since I can't measure out how many ounces she drinks in a feeding. Cluster feeding is painful and stressful because I feel like she's already drained me but somehow there's still milk in there!

Three. Mom guilt. It is real, and for me, it was intense. I did not expect the level of guilt I would feel, I only knew that it would come. R was my whole world for a whole year (we found out we were pregnant shortly after his first birthday). While we wanted our babies close in age and were going to try for #2 regardless, I didn't know it would be like this. It's gotten better, because I'm slowly learning how to balance my time between the two of them, but at first I felt so bad because I thought he wouldn't get enough one on one time. But it's already gotten better.

Four. Coming home from the hospital and getting settled in to everything made me realize how big R suddenly seemed to me. He's not even 2 yet but I remember watching him sleep and getting emotional because he was so...tall. It was one of those moments where you're so happy because they're getting bigger but sad because they're getting bigger.

Five. The bond with P didn't start right away. In fact, it took a couple weeks for me to feel a true connection with her, which is absolutely nuts to me. I wasn't expecting it... At first I thought it would be like, "cool, I'm breastfeeding so we have this amazing connection that only the two of us share and no one can take that from us!" which is true but I didn't really feel it. It saddens me to say that in order for me to really feel connected to her I had to let go of the guilt I had about R, which obviously didn't happen overnight. Today, though, I feel great. I have two amazing babies who are perfect and beautiful and I really feel complete. I feel guilty even admitting that I felt that way, but I figure if I felt it, maybe someone else did too, and they're wondering if they're alone in feeling it and I can say they aren't.

Anyway, I know this is only the beginning and there are plenty more sleepless nights to come. With those sleepless nights come countless memories and a friendship between the two of them that will make all the other stuff so worth it.

I'll try to blog more, but between them and school I don't have lots of time - but after March I'll FINALLY have my BA so that'll free up some time until I decide if I want to pursue my Masters.

Until next time,
xoxo

What if this is it?

As each day of this pregnancy passes, I wonder, what if this is my last? Every time I feel a hiccup, a roll, a kick, I smile a little, knowing it could be the last time I feel those things from the inside. My husband and I said no more than 4 kids. This is our second. We didn't necessarily plan for them to be so close in age, but at the same time I said I wanted to be done before I was 30 (this was, of course, way before kids were ever actually in the picture). I'm going to be 28 this month and if it does happen to be it, I would be happy. Don't get me wrong, I love being pregnant, for the most part. I also know that it's a lot different going from 0-1 to 2, and so on. Realistically, we don't have the space for more than 2 right now...the setup we have isn't ideal, but we can make it work. I can't say that's true if we were to stay here and add more to the mix.

I have 2 older siblings, my husband has one younger sibling. I'm not sure what it was like for him, but for me, it was cool to have 2 brothers who were my friends...at times it sucked when we would fight over TMNT vs Barney or they didn't want to play with my barbies, but as we've gotten older it's only gotten better. I gained a sister in law when I married my husband and the girlfriends I have are better than blood sisters could ever be. I did want a sister growing up, but don't we all? I kind of like it better this way because I didn't have to share my clothes or toys with anyone else. :P In all seriousness, despite having saying I wanted a sister, I'm glad I spared my parents many fights and added stress.

Honestly, I don't know if we are done or not. I do know that when this one comes out, we are planning on spacing them out if we do have more, but if this is it, I want to embrace every second of it...even the worst days.

Things I didn't expect about being a (boy) mom

I was telling my husband the other day how I didn't imagine having a boy could be so much fun. I've been a mom for over a year now, and I learn something new every single day. I got lucky with Raylan, he's truly perfect. I was scared at first about having a boy... I didn't know how I would relate to him, I didn't know if he'd be fun, but oh my was I wrong!

First things first, boy clothes are SO cute! I have the best time putting outfits together everyday. However, some days he doesn't wear clothes and that's fine, too! We'll just play while he crawls around in a diaper. I had no idea that there were so many options for boys and that I would have so much fun with it.

Just like there's a tupperware lid and sock bandit in the adult world, there's a binkie, bottle, and bib bandit in the baby world. I have seriously lost so many of those things, I literally have NO idea where they end up.

So many things didn't go as I expected. First was breastfeeding...I thought I'd be able to, but it didn't work out. There is NOTHING WRONG with formula feeding!!! A FED BABY IS A HAPPY BABY. FED IS BEST.

On that note, I find it SO hard to not compare him to babies his age. Yes, he's on the smaller side. No, he's not walking on his own yet. He is growing and learning every single day though, and THAT is what matters. People say that babies do things on their own time, and that is so true. He will walk when he's ready, thanks. I hate feeling discouraged when I see babies younger than him walking but I have to remember that each baby is different.

Being a stay at home mom is harder than I thought, but I mean it in the best way and I am so grateful. I wouldn't give it up for anything! I left the hotel in June, and since then it's been non stop. The difference between this "job" and a "regular" job is that this one truly is 24/7. It's not just about taking care of the baby...it's about taking care of the house, the husband, and of course myself. My brain never shuts off. I am constantly thinking about things I need to get at the store, fun things to do with Raylan, how I'm ever going to get into a routine of keeping up the house, doing adult things with my husband (because that's sooo important, too...we cannot neglect our marriage...that's what got us to be parents, after all!) It's seriously the best job I've ever had though. Luckily, I get paid for being a reservist and going to school, but even without that, it's the most rewarding experience.

I know there are more things that belong on this list. Please feel free to comment below with things I have probably thought of but are escaping me now! Stay tuned for next time! :) 

2 under 2

Now that my husband and I have officially (and by that I mean posted on social media) announced that we are expecting baby number 2, I feel like I can let out all my emotions about it. What better place to do that than right here?

Before I begin, I want to say 2 things: 1, I have always wanted my children close in age, but that doesn't mean I am not scared shitless; 2: Before anyone says "you should have thought about that before you got careless" (or anything to that effect) I was on the pill when this baby was conceived...not that it's any of anyone's business, but I'm throwing it out there anyway.

SO. Two under two. What a shit show. I thought I was nervous when I was pregnant the first time...I was so clueless...had no idea what to expect, didn't know if my "motherly instinct" would ever kick in, and oh my god what if I was terrible at being a mom?

Well, I'll admit that Raylan and I are still learning together, but I do pretty good, for the most part. He is happy, healthy, and I'm pretty damn lucky to be his mommy.

I am scared, though. I'm not worried that I won't love these babies enough, because I know that I was born to be a mom. I am scared for their futures in this world. I am terrified.

You know what scares me the most? To the point of tears? I am scared that someday, Raylan will think that I didn't give him enough love...that this little one came too soon...that it wasn't just him for a while. I am convinced that kids don't have any idea how much their parents love them until they hold their own child. I am so in love with Raylan, my heart could explode. I can't kiss him enough, I can't hold him for long enough, and when he cries it tears me apart. There is nothing I wouldn't do for him. It sounds so cliche, but I don't care. It's so true.

I hope that he and this baby grow up being best friends. Sure they'll have their fights and whatever, but I hope they have eachother's backs. For those who don't know, I'm the youngest and only girl. My oldest (biological) brother is 5 years older than me, but he's always protected me and looked out for me and all that; even when he wasn't physically there. My "middle" brother is 3 years older and we grew up together...we were so close it was almost scary. We'd be so mad at each other for something stupid and then five minutes later I'd be in his room with him watching Dumb and Dumber.

As scared as I am, I am also excited. I get to give double the love, double the hugs and kisses, and I get to watch another one of my babies grow up. Even on the days when I have laundry up to my eyeballs, my kitchen is a mess, and the dogs are following me around and making me almost trip, this is the best life.

My husband followed me as I got to live my dream; he moved with me to a town where we didn't know anybody so I could finish school. He moved down to California while I was active duty...and now, we are home, and its his turn. I get to follow him and support him while he achieves his dreams. At the same time, though, it's allowed me to do what I have always wanted, and that's be a stay at home mom. I'm still getting the hang of it, I have a long way to go, but what's important to me is that my baby(ies) know their worth and they know they're loved.

SO. Two under two....bring it on!
I don't know the gender of the one I'm carrying yet....so stay tuned!

xoxo

Giving up...

I tried an experiment where I gave up social media. The experiment was supposed to last 72 hours, but it didn't. No Twitter, no Instagram, no Facebook, not even Snapchat. They were all gone from my phone. My morning routine used to go a little like this: my alarm would buzz at me, and I would snooze it and fall asleep. When I'd wake up again, I would immediately click the little blue box with the white F. Every.time. While I was waking up, I would peruse facebook. I would look at the "on this day" portion and see what my life was like last year and in years past. This is how it was...until the first morning when it wasn't. It's almost like my fingers didn't know what to do if there wasn't that option to click. What else is there? The withdrawal was real, as pathetic as that sounds; I relate it to an addict getting the satisfaction of the drug once it hits their system; the buzz of the alcohol once it settles. Except the satisfaction never comes because the drug isn't there. Make sense?

The second day wasn't so bad. I had gotten used to it not being there so I was able to do other things.

I didn't tell anyone that I was giving it up for a time. If I would have done that, I think I would have been more temped; who posted on my wall? Who 'liked' my picture? Who sent me snaps?

Let's be real: I'm just an ordinary person...those who need me know my number, so I wasn't really losing out on anything. Which led me to wonder, what did I learn from this?

Self-control. Addiction comes in many forms and social media is one of them. There are plenty of positives that come from using these applications; I have friends and family from everywhere that I don't get to see everyday so it helps keep in touch. I am a part of groups where I learn mommy tricks, and I can refresh my military knowledge. It's not so bad...but when you have someone like me who loves attention and who loves to be in the know, it can get pretty intense. From this point forward I need to pace myself and not use it while I'm using other things (ie, watching TV). It's NOT THAT SERIOUS. Not checking it so often will help trigger the excitement when I actually get notifications.

I encourage everyone to unplug, whether it's for 24 hours or 48 hours or 72 hours. It's refreshing to not be glued to a screen.

I'm baaaaaaaaack!

It's been a while. I can't believe how long it's been since I last blogged. Obviously so much has changed and I don't even know where to start.

D and I are back home where we belong, and I am kicking myself for ever leaving. I love it here so much...there is nowhere else like it in all the places I've been. I realized that the world really isn't as big as I thought it was and what I was looking for when I left was here all along. Shame on me for being so naive.

Raylan is amazing - he's almost 11 months old already!  I am so in love with him and that just grows every day. We are both learning. He's so much fun though.

I am going to get my Bachelor's degree. Finally. I'm enrolled online at Ashford University, studying law enforcement administration. The classes are 5 weeks long, which is perfect. It's been great!

Let's get down to business. I want to talk about something that has been bothering me: mommy shaming. What's that? It's women who shame other women for parenting "different" than them. For example, breastfeeding vs. formula feeding. WHO CARES? When I was pregnant, I was also cocky. I thought, of course I would breast feed, obviously. Then I gave birth to this amazing baby who didn't latch and threw a wrench in those plans. So, formula it was. Did I feel guilty? Well, a little, but that's only because society put so much pressure on us to do it one way. That saying "breast is best" makes me want to pull my hair out. Sure it has benefits because the baby has to rely on mom's immune system for a bit, but whatever I eat or drink goes to him - that's not always good!
Women are all about equality with men and we can't even come together in this...it's always a competition and it's quite annoying. Last I checked, a FED baby is what's best for the baby.
Can we all get along?

Off the grid

I did it. I turned off my cell phone and kept it off for over 24 hours. It's still off, in fact.

It was hard at first. It's sad, really, how much we depend on technology for entertainment....how sucked into our phones we are. I was talking to my husband about how we always have our phones at arms length and aren't talking to anyone...whats the point? What are we waiting for?

Today, instead of being sucked into my phone, I got sucked into an old hobby - reading. Today, i worked on my sons baby books. (Yes i said books, he got one from each grandma). It was refreshing, to not depend on that for entertainment.

I encourage everyone to try it, even if it's just for a day. Next time i will shoot for the whole weekend!