Today's challenge has been in the back of my mind for a few days now, and it's time to put it out there. If you've forgotten, the question is, what is the most difficult thing you have had to forgive? A couple of things come to mind, but I think the one thing that burns the most is the one thing I haven't completely forgiven yet. Does that still count? If it's a work in progress that may never be resolved, can it still be considered? It doesn't seem right, but really I can't think of anything else that was too hard to forgive. A few examples, before I get to the juice...
My fathers suicide. Forgiving him and myself was hard. I blamed myself for YEARS because I didn't call him on Christmas (he committed suicide two days later). I thought maybe if I had, he'd still be here. Working through the pain and realizing that there were a lot more issues was a tough one to accept, I'll admit that. And of course I was upset at him...we were just getting things going! How DARE he do that! But as I've gotten older and gotten to know all different kinds of people I've realized that even the ones who put on the strongest face suffer on the inside sometimes. I know that there were things going on internally that maybe I'll never fully comprehend and I can't blame him for those things. Accepting those things made ita little a lot easier to forgive.
Things that happened in my childhood that I will not put out there. All I will say is that it's in the past, and I will have a better childhood when I have children of my own. No one should go through what my siblings and my mom went through. The past is the past, and I am better for it.
Friends that I have lost for absolutely no reason...or at least none that were given to me. Honestly, I don't have time to save something that does not want to be saved.
Alright, the meat and potatoes.
Her.
She has said and done things that no one should say and do. She has brainwashed him to the point of no return and completely transformed him into a different person. I would not recognize him if I ran into him today. Does it hurt? Yes, it absolutely breaks my heart. But, I have people in my life now how genuinely care for my well being and that helps me not constantly think about it. This goes back to the idea of my childhood in a way, because I vow to have my children close in age and raise them to believe that family is absolutely everything and if you meet someone along the way who tries to change that perspective, they are wrong...and if you fall for it, shame on you. I can't wrap my head around how he's easily so...manipulated. Sure, I'm submissive by nature too, but I would never completely disown those who sheltered me for...well, my entire life!
Part of me wants to say forget it, let it go, all is forgiven...except I've been down that road before.
Some things never change.
Which is why it's so hard to forgive. It's still too soon for me to say it. As much as I would love to, to have his daughter in my life, to know her life...I cannot do it because of the woman he sleeps next to. So instead of gaining a new member of my family, I lose three.
Worth it?
I don't know. As mean as it sounds, I'm still alive and I'm doing alright. That's not to say I don't think about him everyday and would love to write her telling her exactly what's on my mind...but I know how she operates, I know that she always has to be right so it would do no good.
So I go on living. I have my amazing husband, my best friend in WA, and amazing shipmates who help me through the best and worst of times.
This has been the most difficult thing I've ever had to (try to) forgive.
Next topic: If you could live anywhere, where would it be and why?
My fathers suicide. Forgiving him and myself was hard. I blamed myself for YEARS because I didn't call him on Christmas (he committed suicide two days later). I thought maybe if I had, he'd still be here. Working through the pain and realizing that there were a lot more issues was a tough one to accept, I'll admit that. And of course I was upset at him...we were just getting things going! How DARE he do that! But as I've gotten older and gotten to know all different kinds of people I've realized that even the ones who put on the strongest face suffer on the inside sometimes. I know that there were things going on internally that maybe I'll never fully comprehend and I can't blame him for those things. Accepting those things made it
Things that happened in my childhood that I will not put out there. All I will say is that it's in the past, and I will have a better childhood when I have children of my own. No one should go through what my siblings and my mom went through. The past is the past, and I am better for it.
Friends that I have lost for absolutely no reason...or at least none that were given to me. Honestly, I don't have time to save something that does not want to be saved.
Alright, the meat and potatoes.
Her.
She has said and done things that no one should say and do. She has brainwashed him to the point of no return and completely transformed him into a different person. I would not recognize him if I ran into him today. Does it hurt? Yes, it absolutely breaks my heart. But, I have people in my life now how genuinely care for my well being and that helps me not constantly think about it. This goes back to the idea of my childhood in a way, because I vow to have my children close in age and raise them to believe that family is absolutely everything and if you meet someone along the way who tries to change that perspective, they are wrong...and if you fall for it, shame on you. I can't wrap my head around how he's easily so...manipulated. Sure, I'm submissive by nature too, but I would never completely disown those who sheltered me for...well, my entire life!
Part of me wants to say forget it, let it go, all is forgiven...except I've been down that road before.
Some things never change.
Which is why it's so hard to forgive. It's still too soon for me to say it. As much as I would love to, to have his daughter in my life, to know her life...I cannot do it because of the woman he sleeps next to. So instead of gaining a new member of my family, I lose three.
Worth it?
I don't know. As mean as it sounds, I'm still alive and I'm doing alright. That's not to say I don't think about him everyday and would love to write her telling her exactly what's on my mind...but I know how she operates, I know that she always has to be right so it would do no good.
So I go on living. I have my amazing husband, my best friend in WA, and amazing shipmates who help me through the best and worst of times.
This has been the most difficult thing I've ever had to (try to) forgive.
Next topic: If you could live anywhere, where would it be and why?
I think, as long as you are trying to forgive it, then it definitely counts!
ReplyDeleteGirl, way to be the big person in this situation and forgive. I know it is hard, but one day you will meet your niece. I feel it in my soul. Because you are such a good person and you are hurting for all this but you know that he loves you and she is just jealous of that. Things will come around to you. Good always wins. <3