The girl I despise

I am the girl I despise. Or at least I used to be.

You know the one.

The one who, in the back of your mind, is a threat. But she doesn't realize it. In her mind, she's not at all one, because she has no intentions. The one who seems to be nicer to your boyfriend than to you. The one who seemingly (but not on purpose, in her mind) goes out of her way to get his attention.

The one who swears that she doesn't feel anything for your man, but whom you don't believe. But she really, really doesn't.

The one who has a boyfriend (or fiance) whom she claims to be madly in love with.

The one who you always think about...who plagues your mind. The one who you think your boyfriend is thinking about, but really, he's so crazy about you that he forgets all about her.

Yet, I'm the one who feels threatened by my own kind. There are honestly NO intentions to steal anyone's man away. No intentions to ruin a friendship with girlfriends. The only intention is an honest to goodness friendship with a person of the opposite sex...because sometimes, it helps us deal with our own problems when we have a male friend we can talk/vent to...someone whom we aren't in a relationship with, who doesn't see us at our worst. We don't want to expose ourselves to our lover, because that would mean we're not perfect. Sometimes, a fresh perspective is all we need.

Mind you, I don't go out of my way to strike up a random conversation with someone else's boyfriend/fiance. I have my own man to do that. But it used to be that I would want confirmation. If someone else took the time to talk to me, to notice me, then I meant something.

But sometimes, when things get rough, when I'm tired of looking at myself in the mirror, I do contemplate asking another guys opinion. Am I good enough? What's wrong with me? Questions like that...because sometimes hearing it from someone you're NOT committed to helps you figure stuff out. Confirmation.

You know what I think it is? I think I used to be looking for someone who wouldn't let me down. I know that not all men are bad, but I needed to prove it to myself. Every man I've had in my life has been a disappointment in some way. I was searching for perfection. I was searching for something that doesn't exist. What would I do with it once I found it? Absolutely nothing.

I'm definitely more secure with myself now. I'm 23 years old, I feel as though I've lived enough to know what I do and don't want. I'm not searching because I have me. I can only depend on myself. Coming to that realization has made life so much easier. I can rest easy knowing that my my boyfriend forgets the names of all other women in the world, because he's holding me in his arms and I'm all he needs. All he wants. This...this is my perfection. This is my confirmation.

Thoughts?

The other woman

Ok. Here's something funny for you. Us girls have a problem with our guys playing xbox. Not because it takes away from paying attention to us...c'mon, we're not THAT insecure. It's because it kind of holds a double standard. It's a hobby, a way to let off steam, yet every curse word under the sun is said, stress levels are rampant, and God forbid we try to ask a question or try to pull you away from it.
You wonder why we escape to Facebook to vent. Well, our girlfriends are on there (probably because their boyfriends are with their xboxes so we know we have our own community). Facebook is OUR hobby...it's where we go to find the people we always wanted to be in high school, to see what our peers are up to these days, to see the lives they're having that we only wish we could have. Just to escape the reality of the world for a minute.
Then we get tired of it. We get tired of complaining. Tired of bitching and moaning the same old story. So, we join you. Sure, it's fun to shoot at other virtual people playing online. Then your friend comes on (you have a mic on of course) and asks why you're not playing with him and when you'll be done. So now we're in an uncomfortable spot. We thought we finally had you to ourselves. We thought we finally won. Nope.
The moral of the story is that we will almost always be second to the xbox. They will always be the other woman. We can accept that and move on, or keep bitching about it. But one thing's true: we'll always lose. Hey, it could be worse...he could be out somewhere being unfaithful with another woman...at least this way, you know exactly where he is and what he's up to...

drifting

I don't know what to call this blog post. I am guilt ridden, feeling sort of lonely, but not sure how to handle it.
Let me just start off by saying that I LOVE my three closest girl friends. They are pretty much the only friends I have these days, and they are amazing.
That being said, two of them are pregnant, and the other one will be getting married in September. I am ecstatic for all of them, obviously, and I hope that goes without saying. On the other hand, I have never been pregnant or engaged, so I'm feeling a little...out of the loop. Disconnected, if you will. I know that being pregnant isn't easy, especially given their situations that I won't go into, but I don't know how else to relate. I haven't been around babies much; I'm the youngest in my family and my step-siblings kids have grown...my oldest brother's son is nine and I didn't know of his existance until he was long out of diapers.
ANYWAY, I want to be with them, there for them, but I don't know how because I don't know what they're going through. I have a lot going on with work and preparing for the Navy, I haven't really had a chance to think about it until now. My best friend and I used to be really close...I always wanted to get pregnant at the same time so that our kids could grow up together. My other friend is about two weeks behind her, so that will happen with them. It will be exciting, no doubt, but my life is so ... far from the plan that I had for myself that I don't know when it'll happen for me. I am so scared of drifting away from them, because Lord knows I NEED them in my life despite all the changes that are forthcoming.
My engaged friend, the one who is getting married in September, is currently finishing up her Bachelors degree and lives about three hours away from us. Her I can relate to her situation/current life a little better because despite that I haven't been engaged, I have lived away from home and been broke...and our boyfriends are both REALLY into video games so we complain to eachother quite a bit. Not to mention, we both lost pets recently, and got new pets to heal our broken hearts... I'm not worried that once she gets married a whole lot will change, because I think if that was going to happen, it would have already. I don't know.
So much is happening in all of our lives...we are growing up...and I hope that doesn't include growing apart...we have all been friends since we were young, we've all seen us at our best and worst. I don't know what to say beyond this. What do ya'll think?