So many new changes!

As I'm getting settled on my ship in my new life with the navy in San Diego, I have a lot to share for those who actually read this.

Tomorrow, I am signing the lease to D and I's first house. I am so excited. We get to move in on the first of October, shortly before I go underway. D doesn't think he'll like CA because of all the laws and restrictions, but I'm gonna try to change his mind. While I couldn't live here permanently, I do want to make the most of the next 3 and a half years.

Work is going really well. I got my first experience with painting yesterday, me and a shipmate painted half of half of the side of the ship. (Does that make sense? lol) It was fun, we were out there all day, but it went by fast so it didn't feel like forever. I'm taking my BM3 (advancement) test this week, on Thursday the 20th. I'm also going to get 3M and basic DC qualified hopefully by the end of the week. (sorry for using "Navy" terminology, I'm so used to it now...if you want to know what any of that means just ask!)

D and I are finally starting to plan our "formal" wedding. We're thinking August, 2013. The date and other specific details will come later, once we are able to finalize things. It's really exciting, even though we're already legally married, to go through and plan it...I can't wait to wear that white dress in front of my loved ones and get walked down the aisle by the best dad in the world.

There is a certain person in my life who I really, really miss. I guess I should say they're not in my life, because if they were I wouldn't need to miss them. Anyway, we don't talk anymore, and at first I was okay because I figured we were just at different places and really really busy...but now, I feel super lonely. It's pretty bad when you can count on one hand how many friends you have, right? Not true, best friends, but total friends. Yeah...I miss this person. It just ... hurts. I want to let them know that I miss them, but then again, I don't wanna be the one to make the first move because I already kind of did that with no response/result. Sucks. :(

That's it for now I guess, nothing else to report.

Things that I absolutely **cannot** wait for

As always, I've been thinking about the future. My life is about to change pretty dramatically. I'm going to be living in a HUGE city for the next few years which i've obviously never done before. Here are some things I cannot wait for (in no order, of  course)

-Getting married.
-Seeing what life in the fleet is *really* like.
-Having babies.
-Getting my bachelor's degree.
-Seeing the world.
-Living in a big city.

That's it for now. :)

I GOT MY ORDERS!

We're going to San Diego, CA!!!

I have to report no later than 30 Aug 12.

I am SOOOO EXCITED!!!!

My 'review' of boot camp

It's obviously been a while since I've blogged.  For those who don't know, I spent the last 9 weeks in Navy boot camp, also known as RTC in Great Lakes, Illinois. I am currently at my A school for my rate which is boatswain's mate, or BM. Let me tell you about RTC, now that I'm away from it.

Looking back, it was easy, and admittedly, some days were even fun. I was lucky and got some really great RDCs. The first week is known as P-days and it's where you're issued shots and medically cleared for the Navy. I'm not going to sit here and say it didn't suck, because it did. But it wasn't hard. The most difficult part of that particular week was being out of my comfort zone and getting used to having things be a certain way. Oh and of course showering every day with like 50 other women in 5 minutes or less. Once I was cleared, the "fun" began. No more holding up full canteens for 30 minutes as punishment, it was now on to getting IT'd - or as we call it, getting beat. It's short for intensive training - this is where mountain climbers, 8 counts, and other tedious exercises come in. They can beat you for 8 minutes or 8 hours with breaks for chow. At first we got beat all the time...but as time went by they didn't beat us too hard. And I will admit, without those beatings, a lot of us wouldn't have passed our final PFA I'm sure. We tried to make it fun despite that it sucked.  We'd sing Sponge Bob or The Wheels on the Bus (our own rendition, mind you) so that it would make time go by faster..or maybe the RDC's would stop. :)

There was a LOT of marching! Everyday we'd either march or go up some stairs. There was also PT every other day, which I loved. Every Saturday, starting in the third week, I believe, was an event called BASES that was implemented to prepare you for Battlestations (which I can't talk about). Sundays were Holiday Routine...a break from RDCs from about 0700 till 1300. We could write letters, shine boots, and take what we called Hollywood showers, where we got to shave and feel like a woman for a day.

I absolutely HATED bunk drills. We would do them a lot during P-days, sometimes as a learning tool and sometimes as punishment since they couldn't IT us. We would make our racks then strip them, and do it all over again. It was really tedious and time well wasted, in my opinion.

We had lots of uniform inspections too, which meant lots of drills for these inspections. While I appreciated the practice, at the time I hated it because we'd be in full NWUs and have to dress down to our shorts and t shirt to put the same thing back on. (or change into our white t shirt, depending on which inspection it was) Another example of tedious work. Oh well, it helped us pass, so I'll take it.

I'm gonna say the absolute hardest part of boot camp - once I passed my swim test - was working as a team and trying to get along with 50 females. I don't necessarily get along with girls or guys better - in fact I prefer to stay under the radar and just do my job - but it was near impossible to do that in boot camp. Every ten seconds we'd hear a "LOCK IT UP" or something else come from someone in a position of authority. Towards the end we were all so tired of hearing it that I think for a lot of us it went in one ear and out the other...especially since we were also tired of hearing it from the same person who would say it and talk 2 seconds later.

Boot camp overall was easy. I can honestly say that I thought that from the beginning. It started getting even easier around the 6th week, after the majority of the inspections were over and we were prepping for battlestations.

The very last week was the longest of them all. After Battlestations, we shined our boots and read our bluejackets manual. I kid you not when I say that's all we did. But graduation was soo worth it, because I got to see my family and lovely fiancee, so it was worth the wait and frustration.

So anyway, that's my review of the past 8 weeks of my life. Feel free to ask any questions! :)

To do

There is so much I need to do in such a short time. Here's a preview (mainly to keep me from going crazy and forgetting stuff...) in no particular order:

-drink the rest of my Mikes. (I know, priorities. lol)
-pack my bag for a-school.
-work on memorizing the Navy chain of command.
-pack up the majority of my clothes to give to Meghan to take to the church.
-fill out the wedding planner book as much as I can.
-run 1.5 miles timed.
-go through the storage unit.

One week

7 days left at my job.

This ish is getting real.

23 days until I leave for the hotel for RTC.
24 days until I arrive at RTC.

Nervous? Hell yes. Excited? Hell yes. Ready? HELL YES! ...just about as ready as I'm gonna get. Some things I cannot prepare myself for.

Dear You

You wrote me a poem. I used to be a poet, but this is how I express myself now. So here's my response.

Imagine thinking everything is fine. Then one day, your world comes crashing down. A few days prior, you are told to treat your brother and his wife as one. A unit. That's what you ultimately become when you're married, so you get it. It's all good. You are also told to basically assume that what she says is what he means. I guess that makes sense, considering he's always been shy and she is much more assertive/aggressive in her speech. That, too, you can respect. It's all good.

Then you receive a text from her. It says, in a nutshell, 'fuck you, you don't deserve to be an aunt.' She thinks you told someone 'everything' that you weren't supposed to. You didn't, but since a) you've been down this road before and b) she says she doesn't care to hear from you, you don't fight it. You just break down...at the beginning of your shift at work. Then, a fight with your brother ensues. Almost overnight, you lost him. He knew about the text. No apology. No explanation. No fighting for me (that, I'm used to, but I expected more from him). Nothing. Just another man who was in my life and let me down. Oh, and did I mention, you brought this on yourself? You started everything?

So. My heart is broken. I'm good at handling breakups. I don't cry. That's how I'm trying to handle this. But obviously this is different, because we're family. I want to cry every day. But I don't. I want to rip out my hair because I don't know what to do. I want to yell and scream and tell her EXACTLY how I feel but I can't. It makes me sick to accept that this is our fate.

Here's the truth. You read it here first.

I didn't start this. I was in Bellingham when everything first started. You know what started it? Assumptions. Not on my family's part. On her's. I heard about everything every time I came home from Bellingham because they think I want to be kept in the loop. If everything's settled, I could care less. But I realize that nothing can be settled...because he wants it to be forgotten, and she brings it up. Every.fucking.time. When something was settled, the cycle would begin again. Ugh, I don't even know what to say.

I didn't tell my brother anything. I did, however, say something about her father not liking my step dad to the general population of the house, (which includes my step dad and mom) and he may have been told or overheard or something. But my step dad already knew that, because he could sense it at the wedding (and he's not a dumbass). I don't like keeping secrets from my family when it involves people they hardly know not liking them for no good reason other than what they've heard from their kid... What's funny is that it's okay for one of them to go to her father, but if I wanted to go to my mother or my brother (who is an involved party) or a complete unbiased person, I get heat for it. It's a huge double standard and I'm tired of it.

IT DOESN'T EVEN MATTER IF SOMEONE ALREADY KNOWS WHAT YOU'RE ABOUT TO TELL THEM!!

She is, unfortunately, the type of person who thinks she knows everything. She is very opinionated, which is fine, except she thinks that her opinion equals the truth. (It doesn't.)

It hurts to say it because I love my brother so much. I really want(ed)(?) to like her. But...

The little things

It's the little things....

...like asking the barista for a straw for my coffee, before I even have to open my mouth...

...like getting me a fork when he always uses a spoon...

...like sacrificing one more episode of a favorite show, even if it landed on a cliffhanger, so he can be with me while I sleep...

...like starting the water for my shower, so it's hot when I get in...

...like being in the middle of a grocery aisle and kissing my cheek, or holding my hand while we're driving around...

It's the little things he does that mean the most. It's them that make me fall for him all over again, every single time.

Wow

It's been a while since I've blogged. I have a lot of exciting updates, and some sad news, too, but I don't even know if anyone reads this so I don't know if I should waste the energy.

It used to be that my blog sort of reflected my thoughts but was more of an outlet, third person type thing, because I hoped that others could identify with what I wrote and it would help them somehow. I don't know, because the only person who responded/commented was one of my best friends, and of course she'd respond. :) I guess what I was looking for was more from the outside world - more from the world wide web...oh well.

I guess my first order of business in updating would be to start with the sad, depressing news so that if nothing else I can end this blog on a good note. Here goes nothing.

I lost my brother. He's still alive, so I'm not grieving like he'll never be back. His wife made the assumption that I told my (other) brother some things that were apparently to be kept private, and she now wants nothing to do with me. For the record, I didn't tell my brother a single thing. But now, what this means is that since my brother and his wife have requested that they be treated as one, I lost him. She wins. I have forgiven her, taken her side against better judgement, stuck up for her, and I've even apologized for others' actions on my families behalf (also against better judgement). This is how I get treated. She sent me a text one morning that basically said 'fuck you, you don't deserve to be an aunt.' When I asked my brother if he saw it, he said yes, and he said that he told her it was harsh. No sticking up for me, no apologizes, nothing. Then when I asked him if HE wanted me to be in his daughters life, and if HE thought I'd be a good aunt...he said it was up to me, not him. I'm still confused as to how that's supposed to work, but I've just accepted the fact that I lost my brother and will live my life. It breaks my heart because he was my EVERYTHING growing up.

I still miss my father. I think about him every single day, no fail. Some days are good, while some days I want to escape somewhere and just lose it. I had a night like that a little while ago, and I couldn't explain where it was coming from or why, but I just needed to cry. I still don't understand why someone would take their own life. I still don't think his girlfriend is innocent. It kills me that she got away with assisted murder. I just wish he were here now, for one more day, so I could tell him everything I've ever needed to say, so I could have peace. Because visiting a grave site is not enough. I think that part of the reason I got emotional is because of everything going on with my brother...sometimes it's just too much to handle.

So I guess that's it for the sad news... at least that's what's been plaguing my mind for the past couple days. On to better news.

I'M ENGAGED!!!! Derek finally asked me earlier this month. March 7, to be exact, lol. So I've gotten to experience the joy that is planning my wedding. It is SO MUCH FUN!! I'm having a blast. We can't set a date yet because of my joining the Navy, but still, it kind of gives me more time to have everything 100 percent set in stone.

And, my final bit of news, is that I'm leaving in 38 days. At this point, I'm so ready to leave, despite that I'm not where I want to be physically...the rest will just fall into place and will have to work. I'm not even thinking about the fact that I'll miss my family and my girls and my pup... I just NEED to go. For reasons I did mention here and reasons that will forever stay with me.

On that note, if you're reading this, PLEASE comment. Just a simple hello will do. Just so I know I'm not talking to myself. Thanks. :)

The girl I despise

I am the girl I despise. Or at least I used to be.

You know the one.

The one who, in the back of your mind, is a threat. But she doesn't realize it. In her mind, she's not at all one, because she has no intentions. The one who seems to be nicer to your boyfriend than to you. The one who seemingly (but not on purpose, in her mind) goes out of her way to get his attention.

The one who swears that she doesn't feel anything for your man, but whom you don't believe. But she really, really doesn't.

The one who has a boyfriend (or fiance) whom she claims to be madly in love with.

The one who you always think about...who plagues your mind. The one who you think your boyfriend is thinking about, but really, he's so crazy about you that he forgets all about her.

Yet, I'm the one who feels threatened by my own kind. There are honestly NO intentions to steal anyone's man away. No intentions to ruin a friendship with girlfriends. The only intention is an honest to goodness friendship with a person of the opposite sex...because sometimes, it helps us deal with our own problems when we have a male friend we can talk/vent to...someone whom we aren't in a relationship with, who doesn't see us at our worst. We don't want to expose ourselves to our lover, because that would mean we're not perfect. Sometimes, a fresh perspective is all we need.

Mind you, I don't go out of my way to strike up a random conversation with someone else's boyfriend/fiance. I have my own man to do that. But it used to be that I would want confirmation. If someone else took the time to talk to me, to notice me, then I meant something.

But sometimes, when things get rough, when I'm tired of looking at myself in the mirror, I do contemplate asking another guys opinion. Am I good enough? What's wrong with me? Questions like that...because sometimes hearing it from someone you're NOT committed to helps you figure stuff out. Confirmation.

You know what I think it is? I think I used to be looking for someone who wouldn't let me down. I know that not all men are bad, but I needed to prove it to myself. Every man I've had in my life has been a disappointment in some way. I was searching for perfection. I was searching for something that doesn't exist. What would I do with it once I found it? Absolutely nothing.

I'm definitely more secure with myself now. I'm 23 years old, I feel as though I've lived enough to know what I do and don't want. I'm not searching because I have me. I can only depend on myself. Coming to that realization has made life so much easier. I can rest easy knowing that my my boyfriend forgets the names of all other women in the world, because he's holding me in his arms and I'm all he needs. All he wants. This...this is my perfection. This is my confirmation.

Thoughts?

The other woman

Ok. Here's something funny for you. Us girls have a problem with our guys playing xbox. Not because it takes away from paying attention to us...c'mon, we're not THAT insecure. It's because it kind of holds a double standard. It's a hobby, a way to let off steam, yet every curse word under the sun is said, stress levels are rampant, and God forbid we try to ask a question or try to pull you away from it.
You wonder why we escape to Facebook to vent. Well, our girlfriends are on there (probably because their boyfriends are with their xboxes so we know we have our own community). Facebook is OUR hobby...it's where we go to find the people we always wanted to be in high school, to see what our peers are up to these days, to see the lives they're having that we only wish we could have. Just to escape the reality of the world for a minute.
Then we get tired of it. We get tired of complaining. Tired of bitching and moaning the same old story. So, we join you. Sure, it's fun to shoot at other virtual people playing online. Then your friend comes on (you have a mic on of course) and asks why you're not playing with him and when you'll be done. So now we're in an uncomfortable spot. We thought we finally had you to ourselves. We thought we finally won. Nope.
The moral of the story is that we will almost always be second to the xbox. They will always be the other woman. We can accept that and move on, or keep bitching about it. But one thing's true: we'll always lose. Hey, it could be worse...he could be out somewhere being unfaithful with another woman...at least this way, you know exactly where he is and what he's up to...

drifting

I don't know what to call this blog post. I am guilt ridden, feeling sort of lonely, but not sure how to handle it.
Let me just start off by saying that I LOVE my three closest girl friends. They are pretty much the only friends I have these days, and they are amazing.
That being said, two of them are pregnant, and the other one will be getting married in September. I am ecstatic for all of them, obviously, and I hope that goes without saying. On the other hand, I have never been pregnant or engaged, so I'm feeling a little...out of the loop. Disconnected, if you will. I know that being pregnant isn't easy, especially given their situations that I won't go into, but I don't know how else to relate. I haven't been around babies much; I'm the youngest in my family and my step-siblings kids have grown...my oldest brother's son is nine and I didn't know of his existance until he was long out of diapers.
ANYWAY, I want to be with them, there for them, but I don't know how because I don't know what they're going through. I have a lot going on with work and preparing for the Navy, I haven't really had a chance to think about it until now. My best friend and I used to be really close...I always wanted to get pregnant at the same time so that our kids could grow up together. My other friend is about two weeks behind her, so that will happen with them. It will be exciting, no doubt, but my life is so ... far from the plan that I had for myself that I don't know when it'll happen for me. I am so scared of drifting away from them, because Lord knows I NEED them in my life despite all the changes that are forthcoming.
My engaged friend, the one who is getting married in September, is currently finishing up her Bachelors degree and lives about three hours away from us. Her I can relate to her situation/current life a little better because despite that I haven't been engaged, I have lived away from home and been broke...and our boyfriends are both REALLY into video games so we complain to eachother quite a bit. Not to mention, we both lost pets recently, and got new pets to heal our broken hearts... I'm not worried that once she gets married a whole lot will change, because I think if that was going to happen, it would have already. I don't know.
So much is happening in all of our lives...we are growing up...and I hope that doesn't include growing apart...we have all been friends since we were young, we've all seen us at our best and worst. I don't know what to say beyond this. What do ya'll think?

Lazy?

I realize it's been a while, and I have nothing but excuses. I'm not busy, all I do is work...I have just neglected to keep up on my blog. It seems that the only thing I ever do on the Internet is Facebook, unfortunately. There is so much I need to do to prepare for boot camp (and the rest of my life, quite frankly), but I just haven't done it. I need to study, I need to memorize things like chain of command, rank and recognition, and ships and aircraft, but I haven't.. I was a good student. There is no solid reason other than laziness for me putting this off. I need to pack and get rid of a bunch of clothes I'll never wear again, CDs I'll never listen to, movies I'll never watch...things that are just collecting dust in my mom's storage unit and/or my bedroom that I know will just sit there if I take it with me.

I need to work out. That is something I can think of excuses for. I love working out once I actually do it, but it's the doing it part that gets me. Ugh.

Maybe it's something other than laziness that's bringing me down. Have I lost my spark? I don't know. :/

House sitting

D and I are house sitting for his parents for a little less than a week, and I am excited, despite that I have to work. It gives us the chance to feel like we're on our own again, not so far behind I could cry myself to sleep every night...we have needed alone time for a while, so I don't think this could have come at a more perfect time.

It's nice to be just he and I...it's moments like that when I realize what our future holds, and I can't wait. Last night (well, okay, yesterday afternoon) we watched the movie Elf with Will Ferrell, because I had never seen it (and who doesn't love that guy?!)..it was HILARIOUS. It took me back to when we first got together and we watched Borat together for the first time. I am hoping we will reconnect because with our opposite work schedules, we've been distant lately. We'll be okay, it's just sad and hard to deal sometimes.

Anyway, I'll post something tomorrow...I'm at work so I gotta get busy!

Happy New Year

And so it begins, 2012. I haven't blogged in a while. I haven't been busy, I just haven't really had a computer I could use. Work is slow, life is slow, and I continue to procrastinate. Such is life.

I resolved to not make any new years resolutions this year, because each year they are essentially the same. I do, however, need to get in shape and get (mostly) out of debt. I have no idea how we let ourselves get this far in and I'm ready for it to be over.

The holidays were...interesting. I'm just going to leave it at that. Let's just say I'm glad they're over.

I am excited, anxious, and nervous for what 2012 will bring. It will definitely be my most challenging year yet, as I will be faced with separation from D (also known as boot camp), and I will physically challenge myself to lengths I didn't know I had. D and I talked about joining a gym yesterday, which is something I've always loathed the idea of, yet I think it's time. I'm just looking for something healthy we can do together that's rewarding too...

In the meantime, I'm going to continue doing what I'm doing...working, studying for the Navy, and just...living.