Dear you...

I feel like when I'm around you, I act like a child. I don't know why. It's like I crave your attention, because you weren't around when I was a child, so I want to make up for lost time. I hate it, because that's not me.

It's crazy how much I look up to you. How badly I want to get to know you. You say we're a lot alike...I can see in some ways, but not in others. I wish I had a life with you like I did with everyone else. I feel like if you'd been around, our bond would be unbreakable. The distance wouldn't matter, you wouldn't let it come between us.

Damn it, I hate that my walls come around you, that I am so insecure, childish. If I could get any part of my childhood back, it'd be the part where you weren't there, just so I could change it & make us closer...

finally home...but home free?

I feel like D and I are finally getting used to the idea of being back in Sequim. We haven't gotten our own place yet, but once we can get our bills taken care of we can start saving for something...anything, at this point. Ideally, I want to rent to own a house...but I just don't know if we're QUITE ready for that. It's hard, having Leo, to find a place because a lot of places don't allow pets -- and if they do, they have to be small. I'm getting my first paycheck in three days, so I think a lot of the stress that's been building up will go away because I'll put a dent in the bills we have.

Anyway, that concludes my boring life right now. Post more soon. xoxo

bills, bills, bills

So as most of you know, I've secured a job. It's a really cool job, something different than what I've done my whole life (even though part of it does involve food). I had two jobs, but I ended up not taking the job at Ross because my schedule at the Holiday Inn is so crazy right now that it'd be too overwhelming. The only thing I don't like about it is that it's minimum wage. I'm fine with being paid minimum wage, but I'm just not used to it because of the OG. I am getting full time hours though, so that's really awesome...I haven't worked full time in a while!

Unfortunately, my bills are two months behind because of moving, etc. So the totals for the month(s) are higher than usual..higher than I've seen in a while, actually. I won't get paid until the 20th, and the phone keeps ringing. I really hope we sell the Jeep so that some of that money can go towards bills. I wanted to start saving $50-$100 every paycheck, but I don't know if I can afford that yet...

I got the list of what I owe son rise. Instead of getting a deposit back, I owe them money. I knew it would happen, but I didn't know it would be as high as it is. It sucks, because it's my first apartment so it's gonna suck to have them as a rental reference. I guess we'll cross that bridge when we get to it... :/

Anyway, I have to work at 6 a.m., so I'm gonna put the sheets on my bed then most likely catch some zzzz's. Night, loyal readers.

Been meaning to write this for a while

I am not pretty. Before you say "oh, yes you are Emily, don't say that!!" let me explain. I will say again. I am not pretty. My eyebrows are too thick and I don't know how to twease them. My hair is one color, which is faded back to my natural, and it's not layered anymore which makes me even more plain Jane. My nose is so small that someone always comments on it, which makes me feel worse. I look funny when I laugh, and ugly when I cry. I am not pretty.

If you look further, my hips are wideset, which offsets the rest of my body. I lost my abs (it's now just flab) which used to give me much joy. I eat way too much and my metabolism is not what it used to be. Don't even get me started on my thighs. My pants no longer fit, my butt has gotten cellulite, stretch mark type things, which I absolutely can't stand, and the rest of my legs are disproportional (hence why my uncle called me chicken legs, also partly why I refuse to wear shorts).

My fashion style leaves something to be desired. I wear socks with open foot-shoes. Don't ask me why, I just hate feet...mine especially.

My point of writing this is not to get attention. There really is no point, I guess, other than I feel like I've needed to get it out. I know I'm not perfect and I should love myself no matter what, but for me, that's hard to do. I've never been particularly popular, never known how to do my hair or makeup the "right way"...everything I know is self-taught.

That's no excuse. I'm not looking for sympathy. I just want someone to read it and know that if they feel the same way, they're not alone. And if they do feel that way, don't let it bring you down..