What if this is it?

As each day of this pregnancy passes, I wonder, what if this is my last? Every time I feel a hiccup, a roll, a kick, I smile a little, knowing it could be the last time I feel those things from the inside. My husband and I said no more than 4 kids. This is our second. We didn't necessarily plan for them to be so close in age, but at the same time I said I wanted to be done before I was 30 (this was, of course, way before kids were ever actually in the picture). I'm going to be 28 this month and if it does happen to be it, I would be happy. Don't get me wrong, I love being pregnant, for the most part. I also know that it's a lot different going from 0-1 to 2, and so on. Realistically, we don't have the space for more than 2 right now...the setup we have isn't ideal, but we can make it work. I can't say that's true if we were to stay here and add more to the mix.

I have 2 older siblings, my husband has one younger sibling. I'm not sure what it was like for him, but for me, it was cool to have 2 brothers who were my friends...at times it sucked when we would fight over TMNT vs Barney or they didn't want to play with my barbies, but as we've gotten older it's only gotten better. I gained a sister in law when I married my husband and the girlfriends I have are better than blood sisters could ever be. I did want a sister growing up, but don't we all? I kind of like it better this way because I didn't have to share my clothes or toys with anyone else. :P In all seriousness, despite having saying I wanted a sister, I'm glad I spared my parents many fights and added stress.

Honestly, I don't know if we are done or not. I do know that when this one comes out, we are planning on spacing them out if we do have more, but if this is it, I want to embrace every second of it...even the worst days.

Things I didn't expect about being a (boy) mom

I was telling my husband the other day how I didn't imagine having a boy could be so much fun. I've been a mom for over a year now, and I learn something new every single day. I got lucky with Raylan, he's truly perfect. I was scared at first about having a boy... I didn't know how I would relate to him, I didn't know if he'd be fun, but oh my was I wrong!

First things first, boy clothes are SO cute! I have the best time putting outfits together everyday. However, some days he doesn't wear clothes and that's fine, too! We'll just play while he crawls around in a diaper. I had no idea that there were so many options for boys and that I would have so much fun with it.

Just like there's a tupperware lid and sock bandit in the adult world, there's a binkie, bottle, and bib bandit in the baby world. I have seriously lost so many of those things, I literally have NO idea where they end up.

So many things didn't go as I expected. First was breastfeeding...I thought I'd be able to, but it didn't work out. There is NOTHING WRONG with formula feeding!!! A FED BABY IS A HAPPY BABY. FED IS BEST.

On that note, I find it SO hard to not compare him to babies his age. Yes, he's on the smaller side. No, he's not walking on his own yet. He is growing and learning every single day though, and THAT is what matters. People say that babies do things on their own time, and that is so true. He will walk when he's ready, thanks. I hate feeling discouraged when I see babies younger than him walking but I have to remember that each baby is different.

Being a stay at home mom is harder than I thought, but I mean it in the best way and I am so grateful. I wouldn't give it up for anything! I left the hotel in June, and since then it's been non stop. The difference between this "job" and a "regular" job is that this one truly is 24/7. It's not just about taking care of the baby...it's about taking care of the house, the husband, and of course myself. My brain never shuts off. I am constantly thinking about things I need to get at the store, fun things to do with Raylan, how I'm ever going to get into a routine of keeping up the house, doing adult things with my husband (because that's sooo important, too...we cannot neglect our marriage...that's what got us to be parents, after all!) It's seriously the best job I've ever had though. Luckily, I get paid for being a reservist and going to school, but even without that, it's the most rewarding experience.

I know there are more things that belong on this list. Please feel free to comment below with things I have probably thought of but are escaping me now! Stay tuned for next time! :) 

2 under 2

Now that my husband and I have officially (and by that I mean posted on social media) announced that we are expecting baby number 2, I feel like I can let out all my emotions about it. What better place to do that than right here?

Before I begin, I want to say 2 things: 1, I have always wanted my children close in age, but that doesn't mean I am not scared shitless; 2: Before anyone says "you should have thought about that before you got careless" (or anything to that effect) I was on the pill when this baby was conceived...not that it's any of anyone's business, but I'm throwing it out there anyway.

SO. Two under two. What a shit show. I thought I was nervous when I was pregnant the first time...I was so clueless...had no idea what to expect, didn't know if my "motherly instinct" would ever kick in, and oh my god what if I was terrible at being a mom?

Well, I'll admit that Raylan and I are still learning together, but I do pretty good, for the most part. He is happy, healthy, and I'm pretty damn lucky to be his mommy.

I am scared, though. I'm not worried that I won't love these babies enough, because I know that I was born to be a mom. I am scared for their futures in this world. I am terrified.

You know what scares me the most? To the point of tears? I am scared that someday, Raylan will think that I didn't give him enough love...that this little one came too soon...that it wasn't just him for a while. I am convinced that kids don't have any idea how much their parents love them until they hold their own child. I am so in love with Raylan, my heart could explode. I can't kiss him enough, I can't hold him for long enough, and when he cries it tears me apart. There is nothing I wouldn't do for him. It sounds so cliche, but I don't care. It's so true.

I hope that he and this baby grow up being best friends. Sure they'll have their fights and whatever, but I hope they have eachother's backs. For those who don't know, I'm the youngest and only girl. My oldest (biological) brother is 5 years older than me, but he's always protected me and looked out for me and all that; even when he wasn't physically there. My "middle" brother is 3 years older and we grew up together...we were so close it was almost scary. We'd be so mad at each other for something stupid and then five minutes later I'd be in his room with him watching Dumb and Dumber.

As scared as I am, I am also excited. I get to give double the love, double the hugs and kisses, and I get to watch another one of my babies grow up. Even on the days when I have laundry up to my eyeballs, my kitchen is a mess, and the dogs are following me around and making me almost trip, this is the best life.

My husband followed me as I got to live my dream; he moved with me to a town where we didn't know anybody so I could finish school. He moved down to California while I was active duty...and now, we are home, and its his turn. I get to follow him and support him while he achieves his dreams. At the same time, though, it's allowed me to do what I have always wanted, and that's be a stay at home mom. I'm still getting the hang of it, I have a long way to go, but what's important to me is that my baby(ies) know their worth and they know they're loved.

SO. Two under two....bring it on!
I don't know the gender of the one I'm carrying yet....so stay tuned!

xoxo

Giving up...

I tried an experiment where I gave up social media. The experiment was supposed to last 72 hours, but it didn't. No Twitter, no Instagram, no Facebook, not even Snapchat. They were all gone from my phone. My morning routine used to go a little like this: my alarm would buzz at me, and I would snooze it and fall asleep. When I'd wake up again, I would immediately click the little blue box with the white F. Every.time. While I was waking up, I would peruse facebook. I would look at the "on this day" portion and see what my life was like last year and in years past. This is how it was...until the first morning when it wasn't. It's almost like my fingers didn't know what to do if there wasn't that option to click. What else is there? The withdrawal was real, as pathetic as that sounds; I relate it to an addict getting the satisfaction of the drug once it hits their system; the buzz of the alcohol once it settles. Except the satisfaction never comes because the drug isn't there. Make sense?

The second day wasn't so bad. I had gotten used to it not being there so I was able to do other things.

I didn't tell anyone that I was giving it up for a time. If I would have done that, I think I would have been more temped; who posted on my wall? Who 'liked' my picture? Who sent me snaps?

Let's be real: I'm just an ordinary person...those who need me know my number, so I wasn't really losing out on anything. Which led me to wonder, what did I learn from this?

Self-control. Addiction comes in many forms and social media is one of them. There are plenty of positives that come from using these applications; I have friends and family from everywhere that I don't get to see everyday so it helps keep in touch. I am a part of groups where I learn mommy tricks, and I can refresh my military knowledge. It's not so bad...but when you have someone like me who loves attention and who loves to be in the know, it can get pretty intense. From this point forward I need to pace myself and not use it while I'm using other things (ie, watching TV). It's NOT THAT SERIOUS. Not checking it so often will help trigger the excitement when I actually get notifications.

I encourage everyone to unplug, whether it's for 24 hours or 48 hours or 72 hours. It's refreshing to not be glued to a screen.

I'm baaaaaaaaack!

It's been a while. I can't believe how long it's been since I last blogged. Obviously so much has changed and I don't even know where to start.

D and I are back home where we belong, and I am kicking myself for ever leaving. I love it here so much...there is nowhere else like it in all the places I've been. I realized that the world really isn't as big as I thought it was and what I was looking for when I left was here all along. Shame on me for being so naive.

Raylan is amazing - he's almost 11 months old already!  I am so in love with him and that just grows every day. We are both learning. He's so much fun though.

I am going to get my Bachelor's degree. Finally. I'm enrolled online at Ashford University, studying law enforcement administration. The classes are 5 weeks long, which is perfect. It's been great!

Let's get down to business. I want to talk about something that has been bothering me: mommy shaming. What's that? It's women who shame other women for parenting "different" than them. For example, breastfeeding vs. formula feeding. WHO CARES? When I was pregnant, I was also cocky. I thought, of course I would breast feed, obviously. Then I gave birth to this amazing baby who didn't latch and threw a wrench in those plans. So, formula it was. Did I feel guilty? Well, a little, but that's only because society put so much pressure on us to do it one way. That saying "breast is best" makes me want to pull my hair out. Sure it has benefits because the baby has to rely on mom's immune system for a bit, but whatever I eat or drink goes to him - that's not always good!
Women are all about equality with men and we can't even come together in this...it's always a competition and it's quite annoying. Last I checked, a FED baby is what's best for the baby.
Can we all get along?

Off the grid

I did it. I turned off my cell phone and kept it off for over 24 hours. It's still off, in fact.

It was hard at first. It's sad, really, how much we depend on technology for entertainment....how sucked into our phones we are. I was talking to my husband about how we always have our phones at arms length and aren't talking to anyone...whats the point? What are we waiting for?

Today, instead of being sucked into my phone, I got sucked into an old hobby - reading. Today, i worked on my sons baby books. (Yes i said books, he got one from each grandma). It was refreshing, to not depend on that for entertainment.

I encourage everyone to try it, even if it's just for a day. Next time i will shoot for the whole weekend!

How becoming a mother has made me a better friend

I'll be honest. In the past, I was a crappy friend. I was a workaholic (still am) and I would find excuses to get out of social things.

Things are so different now! I go to baby showers, birthday parties, whatever. I think it has a lot to do with the fact that I would want my friends to come to my baby's birthday party. I cant imagine what it feels like to invite people and no one shows up.

Does it have to do with the fact that I have my own car now? Who knows. Maybe it's because I'm more centrally located and not in the boonies? I don't have to depend on other people or put them out for a ride?

I don't really know. But I do know that it feels good to be a better friend. At the end of the day, it makes me a better person, too, I think.

xox

Why I don't feel guilty about being a working mom

Some people need to be reminded that it's not 1950 anymore. It is far more common to see a career mom now than a stay at home mom. And guess what else? DADs are now getting the opportunity to stay at home and help raise their children. A role reversal, if you will.

As much as I would honestly LOVE to be able to stay at home with R, it isn't practical financially nor contractually (meaning I am bound by a contract). If it weren't for the friends I've made at work, I wouldn't get a lot of adult interaction. That is imperative, whether we are parents or not.

I loved being home for 6 weeks and when I take the rest of my maternity leave I will love being home and watching him grow. Honestly though, I needed to go back to work for said interaction. People asked me if I was ready, and I was...as much as I didn't want to leave my 6 week old at a daycare, I was ready and needed to return to work.

Working is in my blood. Before I had him, I thought I would love being a stay at home mom. But thinking about it now, I don't know if I could handle it. Working FROM home I could do. But I give a lot of credit to the stay at home mom's...it's a lot more work than people realize.

I do not regret nor do I feel guilty about going back to work. My baby doesn't know it now, but when he is older I hope he will realize that everything I do from today on is for him and because of him. He will be taken care of because his parents work and raise him. He will understand that life isn't just handed to him and sometimes, it does suck and it gets hard...but BECAUSE we love him so much, we work.

If anyone is getting flack or feeling guilty, stop it.

 

Diets & re-enlistments

People hear the word diet and immediately assume you're fat. No one ever thinks that if you're going on a diet it's simply to cut bad shit out of your life. The word is so taboo with so much negativity.
I say that because D and I are starting a diet of sorts. It will be inspired by the Paleo diet but with some modifications. We're on day 1, so don't ask me how it's going yet!

We have also decided that I will re-enlist with the Navy. Yes, this means going back to a ship eventually. It will absolutely suck, leaving the baby and dogs and D at home. But the navy has been so good to us. We are taken care of medically and financially and I know that if I leave they will all be okay. That's what matters.

Let's say I do 20 years. Baby won't even be graduated from high school by the time I'm done which means neither will any other kids we have. I won't miss the truly important stuff. If I do 20 years, we will be covered medically, and if Baby wants to go to school in California, since he was born here, they pay for it..perhaps the only good thing about this state...

I have weighed the pros and cons, and the pros win. I think I may have found what I was destined to do, and it surprised me...but I have accepted it and I'm ready to move forward.

Until next time.

Some things I've learned

I have only been a mom for a little over 2 weeks, but I have learned SO much that I think it's important to share with people.

Contractions are horrible. I got an epidural, & without that I probably could not have given birth. I cannot explain their amount of suck. The only way I was somewhat comfortable was on all 4s or sitting down...and even then, it was questionable.

With the epidural (when it works - which mine did), the worst part of the actual birthing experience is the ring of fire. Women, this is when babies head goes through your vag...once he's through, it's a rush.

You know when it's time to push - it feels like you have to take a major poop and the only way to get relief is to poop (in this case, push)...and boy, once that relief comes, it's amazing.

Pushing out the placenta can hurt worse than pushing out the baby.

There really is a mother's instinct. I am still learning all my baby's cries, but even without knowing 100% what each one means, I can still guess what he needs. Sometimes it's just a cuddle...and I am okay with that!

Before giving birth, I had never changed a diaper, never dressed a baby, never put a baby in a carseat, NOTHING. Now, all that stuff is second nature, like I've been doing it my whole life.

Breastfeeding can be hard! I wanted to breastfeed 100%, before I knew that that wasn't necessarily possible! My baby can't latch onto my nipple...so I pump my breast milk and give him formula. I am okay with that now because he gets what he needs...but please don't be disappointed if your plans don't work out.

HYDRATE.

My dogs sort of took the backburner for the first week or so, and I felt really guilty about that. I gave birth on a tuesday, was in the hospital until that friday night, and barely saw them at all. Things are back to normal now, but the fact of the matter is, as much as I wanted them to be involved, I had to take it slow...and introduce them day by day. It broke my heart....but I think I've made it up to them!

Having guests can be stressful, especially if you are a first time mom without a routine. Make sure guests understand that baby comes first and are willing to work around that schedule. Stand your ground.

Sleep. Get it now. I don't know if I'm a freak of nature or if it's my military training, or maybe a little of both, but my body is wired to work off of not many hours of sleep...but it is crucial to sleep whenever you can, so you have energy to keep up with the baby and if you're breastfeeding, you need to be as healthy as possible.

On that note, don't count on sleeping in the hospital!

Childcare. What a headache! Secure a spot ASAP, they fill up fast! I've been on a waiting list since November, go back to work in just over 3 weeks, and I am sweating to find a spot!

PPD is real and affects women differently.

My last note that I'll leave for now is that motherhood, so far, is amazing. I am in love and in awe of this life that my husband and I created.

Every child and situation is different, but I hope I can continue to help through my experiences. Stay tuned, I'll try to blog more often!

Let's talk about....

Stretch marks. It's the one part of my pregnancy that I have not, until recently, been able to accept. By recently, I'm talking about 2-3 weeks ago.

Some people will tell you there's nothing you can do to avoid them...they are hereditary, so if my mom got them (which she did) I will (and I did).

Others will tell you that creams & lotions will prevent them. That is not true. There is absolutely no scientific backing to this, I'm not really sure where this claim came from...probably one of the few women who didn't get them while pregnant.

Then, there's my favorite type of woman. The kind who has no kids, but is full of opinions regarding the subject...the one who thinks she knows everything about it but yet has never actually had the experience of carrying a child. Word of advice to this group: Shut up.

For me, for whatever reason, upon noticing my first set of stretch marks, I immediately got depressed. I thought of every woman in the third category and felt judged by them. I hated when women would say "they are your stripes, you have earned them, wear them proudly"... I haven't earned anything yet. Until I hold my baby in my arms, I will feel like I haven't done anything.

That being said, they are starting to fade now. I may never get my "bikini body" back, but that doesn't even matter to me anymore...honestly I can count on both hands how many times I've worn a bikini. The fact that I am growing a human life inside me is seriously astounding. I can't believe it. With everything I couldn't do up to this point...all the opportunities I missed or was passed up on, I get to have my own baby. Seriously, what could be better than that?

Stretch marks or not, I am so in love already. I am awaiting his arrival, knowing that in theory he could enter the world any day now...I'm anxious and excited! :)