I do solemnly swear...

--From this day forward, money will not take over me.

--From this day forward, I will not take my relationship(s) for granted.

--From this day forward, I will not be afraid to speak my mind.

--From this day forward, I will rely on no one but myself.

--From this day forward, I will learn to love myself.

What's your opinion of ex's being friends on social networking sites? Ex's who haven't dated in nearly five years...ex's who haven't spoken in just about as long...but an ex whom you had pretty strong feelings for...an ex who was your first love.

Yeah, he requested me on FB. Those close to me know how I felt about him...I was young and completely crazy. We had some really great times & I don't regret the experience...but I think being friends again, even if it is on a Web site, isn't the best idea. On the other hand, it's not like we're meeting up for lunch...it's not like we'd really even "talk" to each other.

I can't speak for him, but I'm happy today. I'm in a really good relationship, finally feeling like I might have a chance to be somebody. I'm not the same seventeen year old I was when we were together. I haven't completely changed either, but I know myself a little better.

Chances are I'm reading too much into this, as I usually do. Maybe he really does just want to see what's new in my life...maybe he doesn't want to persuade me to get back together... or, maybe I'm just as naive as I was then. Who knows...

What would you do? We were only together for about 8 months, and that was a few years ago...but as I said, he was my first love...so it's not like we "dated" in seventh grade and he moved away and then moved back or something...we were kinda serious. Would you add him or leave him in the past?

I miss being in school. I miss the crazy feeling of being stressed out because of deadlines. I miss being around people constantly, making new friends, being challenged intellectually...

At the same time, of course, I'm glad I'm done with it (for now - I do want to go back someday!) I just don't feel like I have enough going on in my life...but I think that's because I'm lazy and full of excuses. I could be working out, I could be studying my START guide for the Navy...I could help my mom around the house more. There are things I definitely need to prepare for before I leave. I have five months, though...and they will go fast, but I don't want it to consume me..

What do my faithful readers do to motivate themselves?

I don't really know what to say. A lot is going on, I suppose, but it feels so routine that if I share it'll be the same old story.

I guess since my work knows now, I can publicly share that I joined the Navy...but that's kind of old news at this point. I leave in March, which is right around the time that M and E are going to have their babies!

M and M are back together, which is also public knowledge by this point. She's so happy, they're so happy..I am glad she found happiness again. Ugh, that was redundant.

Anyway, I'm still same old me. Not much else to say...

I died today...

I died today. You got tired of me and took me to the shelter. They were overcrowded and I drew an unlucky number. I am in a black plastic bag in a landfill now. Some other puppy will get the barely used leash you left. My collar was dirty and too small, but the lady took it off before she sent me to the Rainbow Bridge . Would I still be at home if I hadn’t chewed your shoe? I didn’t know what it was, but it was leather, and it was on the floor. I was just playing. You forgot to get puppy toys. Would I still be at home if I had been housebroken? Rubbing my nose in what I did only made me ashamed that I had to go at all. There are books and obedience teachers that would have taught you how to teach me to go to the door. Would I still be at home if I hadn’t brought fleas into the house? Without anti-flea medicine, I couldn’t get them off of me after you left me in the yard for days. Would I still be at home if I hadn’t barked? I was only saying, “I’m scared, I’m lonely, I’m here, I’m here! I want to be your best friend.” Would I still be at home if I had made you happy? Hitting me didn’t make me learn how. Would I still be at home if you had taken the time to care for me and to teach manners to me? You didn’t pay attention to me after the first week or so, but I spent all my time waiting for you to love me. I died today. Love, Your Puppy

Does the past really make us stronger?

I've been thinking...do the things that happen to us in our lives that hurt us really make us stronger in the long run? Or do those events traumatize us so much that to relive them makes it hurt? Do the people we date who don't last really help us realize what we don't want in life, or keep us wondering what would have happened if we could have made it work?

There will always be the 'what if's' in life...we will always wonder how our lives would be if we would have taken a different path. The goal is to not regret where we are today or who we've become, but to instead embrace it and love ourselves, even when we can't look at ourselves in the mirror. We cannot dwell on the past, cannot change who we were when we were seventeen...

Dear you...

I feel like when I'm around you, I act like a child. I don't know why. It's like I crave your attention, because you weren't around when I was a child, so I want to make up for lost time. I hate it, because that's not me.

It's crazy how much I look up to you. How badly I want to get to know you. You say we're a lot alike...I can see in some ways, but not in others. I wish I had a life with you like I did with everyone else. I feel like if you'd been around, our bond would be unbreakable. The distance wouldn't matter, you wouldn't let it come between us.

Damn it, I hate that my walls come around you, that I am so insecure, childish. If I could get any part of my childhood back, it'd be the part where you weren't there, just so I could change it & make us closer...

finally home...but home free?

I feel like D and I are finally getting used to the idea of being back in Sequim. We haven't gotten our own place yet, but once we can get our bills taken care of we can start saving for something...anything, at this point. Ideally, I want to rent to own a house...but I just don't know if we're QUITE ready for that. It's hard, having Leo, to find a place because a lot of places don't allow pets -- and if they do, they have to be small. I'm getting my first paycheck in three days, so I think a lot of the stress that's been building up will go away because I'll put a dent in the bills we have.

Anyway, that concludes my boring life right now. Post more soon. xoxo

bills, bills, bills

So as most of you know, I've secured a job. It's a really cool job, something different than what I've done my whole life (even though part of it does involve food). I had two jobs, but I ended up not taking the job at Ross because my schedule at the Holiday Inn is so crazy right now that it'd be too overwhelming. The only thing I don't like about it is that it's minimum wage. I'm fine with being paid minimum wage, but I'm just not used to it because of the OG. I am getting full time hours though, so that's really awesome...I haven't worked full time in a while!

Unfortunately, my bills are two months behind because of moving, etc. So the totals for the month(s) are higher than usual..higher than I've seen in a while, actually. I won't get paid until the 20th, and the phone keeps ringing. I really hope we sell the Jeep so that some of that money can go towards bills. I wanted to start saving $50-$100 every paycheck, but I don't know if I can afford that yet...

I got the list of what I owe son rise. Instead of getting a deposit back, I owe them money. I knew it would happen, but I didn't know it would be as high as it is. It sucks, because it's my first apartment so it's gonna suck to have them as a rental reference. I guess we'll cross that bridge when we get to it... :/

Anyway, I have to work at 6 a.m., so I'm gonna put the sheets on my bed then most likely catch some zzzz's. Night, loyal readers.

Been meaning to write this for a while

I am not pretty. Before you say "oh, yes you are Emily, don't say that!!" let me explain. I will say again. I am not pretty. My eyebrows are too thick and I don't know how to twease them. My hair is one color, which is faded back to my natural, and it's not layered anymore which makes me even more plain Jane. My nose is so small that someone always comments on it, which makes me feel worse. I look funny when I laugh, and ugly when I cry. I am not pretty.

If you look further, my hips are wideset, which offsets the rest of my body. I lost my abs (it's now just flab) which used to give me much joy. I eat way too much and my metabolism is not what it used to be. Don't even get me started on my thighs. My pants no longer fit, my butt has gotten cellulite, stretch mark type things, which I absolutely can't stand, and the rest of my legs are disproportional (hence why my uncle called me chicken legs, also partly why I refuse to wear shorts).

My fashion style leaves something to be desired. I wear socks with open foot-shoes. Don't ask me why, I just hate feet...mine especially.

My point of writing this is not to get attention. There really is no point, I guess, other than I feel like I've needed to get it out. I know I'm not perfect and I should love myself no matter what, but for me, that's hard to do. I've never been particularly popular, never known how to do my hair or makeup the "right way"...everything I know is self-taught.

That's no excuse. I'm not looking for sympathy. I just want someone to read it and know that if they feel the same way, they're not alone. And if they do feel that way, don't let it bring you down..

Update

We are back in Sequim, staying between our parents houses. I am frantically looking for work; I had NO IDEA it would be this hard to get a job!! I'm hoping for a call back from the Holiday Inn, it'd be a nice change from the food and beverage industry. But at the same time, a job is a job and I'll settle for almost anything.

There was a lot more I wanted to say, but I haven't been near a computer lately so most of those thoughts are now forgotten. If I remember and have privacy, I will jot them down. Otherwise, they'll be gone forever.

I'm gonna get going, gonna get some housework done! :)