Our Love Story

 Veteran's Day has come and gone this year but I wanted to share our love story because I think it's fun (even if I'm the only one). 

When people find out I served in the military, if they're not familiar with my history, there are a couple things that happen:

1) they ask if I met my husband while I was in the military
2) they ask if he served

Neither of those are true. I have known my husband since we were in 6th grade. We met at a church group, and I saw him and thought he was just the cutest thing. We had a date at a movie (I don't remember which one, unfortunately) and when his nana dropped me off, he gave me my first kiss on my porch. 

Soon after, we "broke up." I put broke up in quotes, because at that age, who knows.... lol. 

Despite breaking up, we had a pretty mutual friend circle, for the most part, so I saw him occasionally. We didn't talk for a few years but I always thought he was cute. I don't know what he thought of me back then, but I guess it doesn't matter now.

Fast forward to 2007, my then-employer was having a Christmas party and the person I originally invited flaked on me, so I invited him to go with me after re-connecting at a party the night before. He agreed, and honestly, the rest is history.

We are 6 months too late to call ourselves high school sweethearts, but we have been together since I was 19. He's been THE constant in my adult life, seen me at my best, my worst, and every shade in between. He's my voice of reason, and my best friend...he puts up with all my shit, my attitudes, and he hasn't left yet. He can ground me and put me in my place if I need it, and he always makes me laugh. Of course, the best thing is that he gave me our three kids. He knew I always wanted to be a mom and he made that dream come true. He's followed me along every dream I've had and supported me every step of the way. 

So anyway, that's our story. 15 years, 3 kids, and many more adventures to go.

Travels

Seaside, OR, 2022.

Death and the afterlife

​I think about death quite often.

Or maybe it’s more appropriate to say that I think about what happens after life. Does Heaven exist? What is it like? Who (or what) are we greeted by? If Heaven doesn’t exist, where do we go? Is this it? 

This can’t be it. 

Does it happen in an instant, or is there a waiting period? Do we get to hang around our loved ones, to make sure they’re ok without us?

Are we reincarnated into something else?

I don’t know how someone can answer these questions, so I try not to dwell too often on the unknown. 

One Year

 A few days ago, I celebrated a year of sobriety. 

No alcohol.

This is, I believe, the first time in my adult life that I have gone this far without it.

It wasn't so bad in my 20s. I did the "normal" things, even less than the "normal" person who was in college and/or living away from home.

I don't know when exactly it became more of a crutch, but I remember feeling like I needed it in order to get through things. I would drink to feel numb because I thought chasing that feeling would be better than facing my issues head on.

I could easily drink 3 24 oz Trulys in one night and go to work the next morning. I am aware that Truly's are not hard alcohol, and a lot of people had it worse than me in that regard. I couldn't do much wine because I hated the hangover. I didn't do hard alcohol very often because I didn't like the taste. I didn't drink it for the taste, I drank it for the effect, and that's where I get in trouble. The more I drank, the more I could tolerate, which meant it took longer for me to "catch" the feeling I was chasing (aka the numbness). 

So, what has the past year been like?

It was hard at first...I had to avoid certain grocery stores because they sold the stuff I would drink and it was easily accessible. I remember the small victory I felt the first time I was able to go into one of those stores and not make a B line for the drink section. 

Then came having to cope with things like my emotions, my anxiety, etc., without turning to alcohol. 

This year has been one of reflection, for sure. Accepting things that happened to me in my childhood without just blocking it out. I turned to music....NF has become one of my favorite artists because he talks a lot about that stuff....If you haven't heard of him, listen to his song "Mansion." I feel like that was written in part for me. 

I remember crying the first time I heard the song, "Dear Alcohol" by Dax. "I got wasted cuz I didn't wanna deal with myself tonight, my thoughts get drowned until I feel alright, and I keep drinking till I'm someone I don't recognize..." That whole song is relatable for me. 

I remember before O came along, I kept saying to myself, I don't want my kids to remember this version of me...but that was never enough for me to just stop. The thing about all of this is, we can't stop for someone else...we have to stop for ourselves, and we have to want to stop. I just remember drinking on December 18 or 19 of 2021 and thinking, this is so dumb....so pointless. I want this to be my last one. And it was. 

This begs the question I know you all (all 2 of you reading this) want me to answer: Will I drink again?

The answer isn't that simple. I hate to say it, but I just don't know. Can I be a social drinker, who can drink 1-2 and be good with it, or will the feelings I had come back and I'll return to drinking to feel numb? I don't know, and is it worth the risk to find out? No. At least not right now.

I'm happy with where my life is now. I can see things clearly, I react to things better than I used to, and I am more present. I don't count the hours of the day down so that I can look forward to drinking, I count them down so my kids can go to sleep (okay I'm jokingg!!!). But seriously, I am proud of myself for making it this far and I am excited for what year 2 of sobriety will bring.

Please leave me comments/questions below! I'd love to hear from you!

Until next time, 

E xx

Childhood memories creeping into adulthood

 The memories are a bit foggy, I'll admit...but that's largely due to the fact that I've pushed them away for so long, not wanting to face them, hoping they'll fade.

Newsflash - they don't. If anything, they become more vivid as my children get older. Why? I don't have a solid answer, but if I had to wager a guess, I'd say it's because I know I want so much more for my kids, to hide them from the reality that I went through (more on that in a second).

My daughter is the age I was when the darkest period of my life began. I went through something that no one, especially not a five year old, should ever experience. I cannot even fathom what would happen if she ever went through what I did.

I don't remember his face now, but I remember the night like it just happened, and I'll always remember his name. I remember being pushed into a closet, telling me he just wanted to show me something, then just as quickly, his tip was inside me. Moments (or seconds) later, his mom, who was responsible for myself and my brother that night, opened the closet door in horror, and pulled me out of there like it was my fault.

Why am I reliving this moment? Why don't I just let it go?

Not a day goes by that I don't think about what would happen if my daughter were ever in this position. See, it happened to me, and no one believed me because I was so young; there's no way I could possibly know what any of that meant. I don't know what's worse - actually being in that moment and having that nightmare happen, or the fact that no one believed me afterwards.

WRONG.

I used to just push these feelings and thoughts away with alcohol, but after a while, it didn't work...that was never the solution, but I didn't know how else to handle it.

For those who don't know, my last drink was on December 18, 2021. Since then, I have been forced to face all of these repressed memories head on. I don't do therapy (not against it, I've just never done it), so this has been difficult. I am hoping there is someone out there who reads this and can feel better knowing they're not alone in experience, feelings, emotions, etc. It can get better.

That night was over 20 years ago. Things happened before and after that that I may touch on, because so much of it has shaped me today...but I just want whoever is reading this to know that it can and does get better. Your life doesn't have to be determined by crappy moments in your childhood. 

Big and small days

 

There are the big days when I think of you; your birthday, the day you died, Father’s Day…all the holidays that you’re no longer here for.

Then there are the small days when I just miss you. The ordinary, nothing special days, when I wish I could call you, tell you about work, ask your advice, hear you laugh again, hug you one more time, tell you about something I saw that reminded me of you…at the end of the day, those ordinary moments are what I hold on to and what I will try my hardest to never forget. Today is a small day, right now is one of those moments.

What I long for most is a picture of us, so I can revisit a memory…but all I have are a handful of memories that fade a little more each day. I rely on those who knew you to keep your memory and spirit alive, and tell me things about you that I wouldn’t have known.

It's true what people say, that it gets easier but we never get over it.

Grief is an interesting thing; most days I'm ok. Sometimes I feel like I'm drowning.

Where to start…

 I’m ready to bring this blog back. I have so much to say and I just want to help people. Or relate to people, I don’t know. 

I’ve had so much growth, reflection, and change over this past year…I want to get it out, not just leave it in my head.

I want to talk about motherhood, as a working mom with three kids. I want to talk about my oldest sons journey with autism. I want to talk about mental health and a lifelong battle with anxiety, depression, and how alcohol has played into all of that. I want to be real about my struggles with food, alcohol, and managing (or not) my emotions and my temper. I will also talk about my journey with the Navy because that was a fair chapter of my life. 

I’d like to check in at least once a week. If you haven’t subscribed, make sure you do. 

See you soon. 

Bittersweet

It’s weird admitting out loud that this baby will be our last. We wanted more, but due to unforeseen circumstances, we decided to stop at this one.

I’ve been going through things - baby clothes and shoes, and reminiscing about when they wore them and how quickly time has gone by. At the end of the day they’re just things, but what’s sentimental is the memories of what they looked like when they were small. It’s unreal.

I have 2 more months of this pregnancy and I’ll admit, it doesn’t feel like I’ve soaked it up enough. I’ve been stressed out because of everything happening in the world, I don’t think I’ve taken the time to really enjoy it. I don’t enjoy every aspect, I’ll be honest...but the things I will never feel again - hiccups, baby kicks from the inside, and perhaps my favorite thing - when R says “hi, baby” and kisses my belly (even if he does it a hundred times a day) - those are things I am trying to soak in.

So begins my series of “lasts,” instead of firsts....

A new chapter. 

Post Mother's Day Realizations

Yesterday was an interesting day, much like most days.

It didn't feel out of the ordinarily special. My guess is that when the kids are young, they don't understand that Mother's Day is a day to celebrate mom's and give them a day off. If they do understand, my kids didn't get the memo.

Let me preface the following by saying I love my kids. I have always dreamed of being a mom, and I know that I'm pretty lucky because there are thousands of women who want children and are unable to conceive or carry to term.

This season of life is so hard. I don't know if it's because of the kids ages (5 and 3), or because I'm working from home (thanks, COVID), or some other factor that I'm not considering, but I find myself angry all the time. I seem to yell at the kids more than praise them, barking at them to get out of there, close the door, stop doing this or that...all the while, that anger should be going somewhere else. I count the hours till bedtime and then feel guilty after they're finally asleep, wishing I would have done things differently. It's a vicious cycle.

The problem is, I don't have an outlet. Since I am working from home, I don't have a work/life balance. I'm at a computer from 8am-5pm M-F BUT I'm right in my living room. I still cook breakfast, lunch, and dinner, and try to keep them entertained (thanks, Peppa Pig). To say I need a break is an understatement. Maybe that's wrong, though. Maybe I need a hobby. There are things I used to love to do that I don't do anymore; take reading for example. My reading list is just about as long as my shopping list! I do not have an outlet for these misplaced emotions. I want to articulate everything to D but I don't know where to start. We are opposites in this, in that he loves being at home and away from people, whereas I would rather work at work and be at home after work. I know that I should cherish this time with the kids as they won't be this young again and all that, and I want to...but we also have bills to pay. It is so hard for me to take a break and let them be kids outside for an hour when it's within my 'workday'... it sucks, sometimes.

Mother's Day made me realize that on most days, I don't think I'm a good mom. It also helped me see that I need to work really hard on shifting my priorities, time management, schedules, communicating, and a slew of other issues. Above all, I need to be better about my patience and showing more love to the kids.

End of the year update

The hard times

Parenthood is hard.

Motherhood is harder.

Transitioning from a stay at home mom to a working mom has been one of the hardest transitions I've ever made, and I'm still working on it.

As with most things, I have good days and bad. I get frustrated when I'm home because I have zero personal space. They want to be around me and I should revel in it, but I tend to get irritated instead.

Today, I visited my son at school and he didn't want me to go. It broke my heart. I hate everything I'm missing out on, and I hate not being home everyday for them.

I want them to know that I love them more than anything, and I hope that they know that every single thing I do is because of and for them.

Ten things

I was perusing Pinterest for some Keto meal ideas and along with that stumbled upon a 30 day writers challenge. I am excited to announce this, because it gives me some topics, and it also gives you insight to me.

Blogging has always been a hobby of mine that I enjoyed, but never had a specific topic; some bloggers blog about mom life, some are lifestyle bloggers, whereas I'm a whatever I feel like writing about type. I don't have a target audience or end goal, I just write and I hope that someone else can relate. I don't know if anyone even reads it, but at the end of the day it's fun for me, so I guess that works out.

The first days topic is ten things that make me really happy. I don't want to be cliché but I probably will be. Get over it. :P There is no order to this...but they will be numbered just to keep track.

1. My kids. Even on our worst day, they make me happier than I have ever been. Being a mom has been number one on my bucket list for as long as I can remember, and I am so happy I have achieved it.

2. My marriage. I am pretty proud to say that we have been together for as long as we have. It hasn't always been easy, but he has sacrificed a lot so that I can achieve my dreams and for that, 'thank you' isn't enough. We are still so young and we have a lot of future left, I'm excited to see where the next season takes us.

3. The relationship I have with my parents. We have always been close. I was never the type to rebel against my parents as a kid/teen; I'd much rather have them as friends. They are such great grandparents too...my step dad will never admit it, but he loves my kids enough to chase my son in the yard or even let my daughter paint his fingernails. He's a softie when they come around.

4. The relationship I have with my siblings. I am the youngest and only girl. I have been blessed with three older brothers who have carried me through adulthood from a tumultuous childhood. I would not be the same person without them. I am so, so thankful to be so close to them...even if I don't see them for a while, we always pick up where we left off.

5. My tribe. Sometimes I wonder why I have any friends at all, but these women lift me (and each other) up in our worst moments. I couldn't ask for a better set of friends.

6. The changing seasons. This makes me happy because it reminds me that this life is changing, new life is blooming, and it's not over.

7. Conversations with my grandma Jo. Whether they are short or long, in written form or over the phone, talking to her puts me at ease and I smile the whole time. I cannot even express how much I want to be like her and make her proud.

8. A really good, relatable song. Music has the ability to change our entire day...and it can help us remember things we thought we forgot which is great.

9. My accomplishments. I have served my country, I am about 8 months away from getting my Masters degree, and I have the two best kids on the planet. Short of being a homeowner, I have everything I've ever wanted. It hasn't always been easy but I am proud of what I've done so far.

10. Last, seeing other people in love. It's cheesy, but I've loved it since I was a kid. The world needs more love.

Stay tuned for tomorrow's topic:

"What is something that someone has told me about that I haven't forgotten?"

What do you want to see?

I am writing mostly to check in and say I’m still here. I have so many things I WANT to write about but I’m not sure when or if I will get to it.

There are lots of things I would like to blog about, but I am always looking for new ideas, too! What would you like to see?

Comment below. 

Real talk

i hate my body.

there, I said it.

I went to the beach yesterday and kept my T-shirt on the whole time.

Not because of my stretch marks - I don’t mind those.

I did it because I cannot stand to feel my fat on my hips every time my hand touches it.

I did it because without a T-shirt, I cannot hide my pooch (aka food belly).

I did it because I lack confidence from my head to my toes. Always have.

I tell my daughter she is beautiful every single day multiple times a day and I mean it 100%. She doesn’t know what it feels like to be insecure and I hope she never does.

We get shamed when we’re too big and we get shamed when we’re too small. We can’t win. The worst part is, our worst critic is ourselves.

Camping without kids

A couple weekends ago, D and I packed up our tents and our two dogs and hit the road - without our children. Our goal was to start camping again and we thought it would be best to have a trial run without them just in case. I can count on one hand the number of times I have been camping as a child, so I was rusty...but I love being in nature, so I was up for the challenge. We also needed alone time. When you don’t have kids, you don’t realize how important it is to reconnect and get away from the crazy and just be a couple. For us, considering the recent changes in our lives, this was 100% necessary. We needed to not be Mom and Dad for a couple days (even though we still are, 24/7, 365, no matter what)...we HAD to make the time for us.

It’s hard leaving them. I have been working so much, I feel like I don’t see them enough as it is, so taking a few days away from them voluntarily seemed crazy. Once we got on the road, it was okay. I  finished a book I have been reading for months, I went for a few walks, I assembled and disassembled the tent, and I was able to relax.

It was great. Little rainy, but fun.

Next time, the kiddos are coming. It’s not the same without them.

What are your thoughts?

Until next time,
Xoxo

How deleting Facebook is like grieving in today’s society

Almost a month ago, my husband and I made the collective decision to delete our facebooks.


I was about ready to with or without him, but it’s always nice to have both of us do it, that way there’s less temptation.

I used Facebook for what it was meant to be used for at its inception - social media. I used it to keep in touch with friends and family from all over, to share photos of our children and see photos of theirs. I was in Mom groups and other groups as well. I did not use it as a political platform, and that is probably the number one reason why I finally decided to give it up for good.

I couldn’t get away from it. It got to the point where unfollowing the individuals wasn’t enough. People would take memes for fact and use Facebook as a “credible” news source instead of doing their own research. It was sad, more than frustrating. I had enough.
We decided to delete it, and at first it was horrible. The first week was probably the worst, and then it continued as I got closer to the point where it would be gone forever. I noticed that people stopped reaching out...somehow it’s harder without Facebook to say hello? Apparently?
I’m past that point, and I gotta say, my life is better without Facebook. I have Instagram which still allows me to share pictures of my life (aka kids) ;) and has better security, in my opinion. The internet is a scary place, and it is important to me who sees (and doesn’t see) their pictures.

Life is good. D and I just got home from a little camping trip, which leads me to introduce my next discussion post - camping without kids - would you, or wouldn’t you? Stay tuned - subscribe to my blog so you get the latest notifications.

Until next time,

Xoxo

The back and forth is so unnerving

I always wanted four. Right now, we have 2. I said I’d be done at or before I turned 30. I’ll be 30 in 4 months. Some would say I’m still in my prime for “baby making” and it’s okay, because I’m still young and I still have time.

Some days, I am done. Completely. Between the dirty diapers and tantrums and lack of personal space, I would be crazy to start over.

But then, just as soon as I think I’m done, I long for the newborn stage, where all they do is sleep and you are their favorite thing. Before they become two and are full of sass, becoming their own person, long before the struggle of potty training starts. Before all the leaps and teething and sleepless nights.

There is nothing in the world that compares to being a Mom. Despite the exhaustion and constant worry, there is nothing better.

I don’t know how people know for sure. I have one of each, I should be good, right? It doesn’t always work like that.

Please, tell me how you knew you were done. ❤️

Redirection

It's been almost a year to the day since I've blogged. It would take a while to update on every single change, so I won't do that. Instead, I'll highlight the most important things.

I am taking a month off of school. This isn't necessarily intentional, but it is needed. I am getting burnt out from the grind My past two classes have not gone the way I planned and my GPA has suffered for it. I'll bounce back, but this break is necessary; I need to refocus.

About a month ago, I returned to the work force. Don't get me wrong, being a stay at home mom was amazing and I loved (almost) every minute of it. I am so grateful that I got to be with my babes all the time for about 2 years. That said, I am meant to be in the workforce. I have an impeccable work ethic; I love being with other people. Also, my husband was getting burnt out from his job. Part of our marriage vows is "in sickness and health"...I take them pretty seriously. My husband needs to figure out what he wants to do, and for now, that's being there for our children. We have time for us, but our kids need us now...not someone else to raise them. So, we decided to "switch roles" for now. I feel okay about it since I make good money and I know my babies are being taken care of with their daddy and not a babysitter.

Less than 24 hours ago, I deleted facebook. It got too political and ridiculous. I'm still on instagram, so if you need my username, ask me!

I'm going to try to keep up with blogging, because I do miss it!

Scale of deception

"I just want to lose 11 pounds," I said to myself. That shouldn't be too hard, and it would still keep me at a healthy, realistic number.

I will never again be my pre-pregnancy weight, and I'm okay with that. I have a completely different body now & it wouldn't look the same if I were that size.

Why are we, as a culture and especially females, so fixated on the number on a scale? It's not acceptable to be a certain weight otherwise we're fat and unhealthy. Yet, if we lose weight, we must be too skinny & starving ourselves.

Body shaming needs to stop.

The truth is, it's about more than the numbers on a scale...we need to stop focusing on that and more on our health.

Those around us should do the same. 

Mom: I get it, and I'm sorry

Growing up, my mom worked 5 days a week, 8-10 hours a day. I may not have seen the sacrifice then, but I do now. I am lucky to stay at home with my kids, but I have also had my share of working the long hours that never seem to end.

On her days off, all she wanted to do was relax. This included wearing sweat pants instead of jeans and letting her "girls" roam free. She would pull her hair back into whatever style kept it out of her face - usually a pony tail because that was simplest. I would poke fun at her and sometimes think that I would be the opposite of that when I became a mom.

Queue the laughter.

I get it now, mom. Sure, I stay at home, but that doesn't mean I don't work. Putting sweats on in the morning and wearing them all day because it works is absolutely fine. I don't remember the last time I wore a bra - then again, I am breast feeding so it would just get in the way. Regardless, it's a hell of a lot more comfortable!

Rarely is my hair down. Between constantly picking up after everyone and playing with the kids, that would be too much. To add, my daughter would just pull it, so keeping it out of her reach is ideal.

I just want to apologize to my mom. If I knew then what I know now, I would never had poked fun. It's kind of like laughing when you got your sneeze fits - I don't find those so funny now, either! :P

I get it now. I love you. mom, and I'm sorry.