One week

7 days left at my job.

This ish is getting real.

23 days until I leave for the hotel for RTC.
24 days until I arrive at RTC.

Nervous? Hell yes. Excited? Hell yes. Ready? HELL YES! ...just about as ready as I'm gonna get. Some things I cannot prepare myself for.

Dear You

You wrote me a poem. I used to be a poet, but this is how I express myself now. So here's my response.

Imagine thinking everything is fine. Then one day, your world comes crashing down. A few days prior, you are told to treat your brother and his wife as one. A unit. That's what you ultimately become when you're married, so you get it. It's all good. You are also told to basically assume that what she says is what he means. I guess that makes sense, considering he's always been shy and she is much more assertive/aggressive in her speech. That, too, you can respect. It's all good.

Then you receive a text from her. It says, in a nutshell, 'fuck you, you don't deserve to be an aunt.' She thinks you told someone 'everything' that you weren't supposed to. You didn't, but since a) you've been down this road before and b) she says she doesn't care to hear from you, you don't fight it. You just break down...at the beginning of your shift at work. Then, a fight with your brother ensues. Almost overnight, you lost him. He knew about the text. No apology. No explanation. No fighting for me (that, I'm used to, but I expected more from him). Nothing. Just another man who was in my life and let me down. Oh, and did I mention, you brought this on yourself? You started everything?

So. My heart is broken. I'm good at handling breakups. I don't cry. That's how I'm trying to handle this. But obviously this is different, because we're family. I want to cry every day. But I don't. I want to rip out my hair because I don't know what to do. I want to yell and scream and tell her EXACTLY how I feel but I can't. It makes me sick to accept that this is our fate.

Here's the truth. You read it here first.

I didn't start this. I was in Bellingham when everything first started. You know what started it? Assumptions. Not on my family's part. On her's. I heard about everything every time I came home from Bellingham because they think I want to be kept in the loop. If everything's settled, I could care less. But I realize that nothing can be settled...because he wants it to be forgotten, and she brings it up. Every.fucking.time. When something was settled, the cycle would begin again. Ugh, I don't even know what to say.

I didn't tell my brother anything. I did, however, say something about her father not liking my step dad to the general population of the house, (which includes my step dad and mom) and he may have been told or overheard or something. But my step dad already knew that, because he could sense it at the wedding (and he's not a dumbass). I don't like keeping secrets from my family when it involves people they hardly know not liking them for no good reason other than what they've heard from their kid... What's funny is that it's okay for one of them to go to her father, but if I wanted to go to my mother or my brother (who is an involved party) or a complete unbiased person, I get heat for it. It's a huge double standard and I'm tired of it.

IT DOESN'T EVEN MATTER IF SOMEONE ALREADY KNOWS WHAT YOU'RE ABOUT TO TELL THEM!!

She is, unfortunately, the type of person who thinks she knows everything. She is very opinionated, which is fine, except she thinks that her opinion equals the truth. (It doesn't.)

It hurts to say it because I love my brother so much. I really want(ed)(?) to like her. But...

The little things

It's the little things....

...like asking the barista for a straw for my coffee, before I even have to open my mouth...

...like getting me a fork when he always uses a spoon...

...like sacrificing one more episode of a favorite show, even if it landed on a cliffhanger, so he can be with me while I sleep...

...like starting the water for my shower, so it's hot when I get in...

...like being in the middle of a grocery aisle and kissing my cheek, or holding my hand while we're driving around...

It's the little things he does that mean the most. It's them that make me fall for him all over again, every single time.

Wow

It's been a while since I've blogged. I have a lot of exciting updates, and some sad news, too, but I don't even know if anyone reads this so I don't know if I should waste the energy.

It used to be that my blog sort of reflected my thoughts but was more of an outlet, third person type thing, because I hoped that others could identify with what I wrote and it would help them somehow. I don't know, because the only person who responded/commented was one of my best friends, and of course she'd respond. :) I guess what I was looking for was more from the outside world - more from the world wide web...oh well.

I guess my first order of business in updating would be to start with the sad, depressing news so that if nothing else I can end this blog on a good note. Here goes nothing.

I lost my brother. He's still alive, so I'm not grieving like he'll never be back. His wife made the assumption that I told my (other) brother some things that were apparently to be kept private, and she now wants nothing to do with me. For the record, I didn't tell my brother a single thing. But now, what this means is that since my brother and his wife have requested that they be treated as one, I lost him. She wins. I have forgiven her, taken her side against better judgement, stuck up for her, and I've even apologized for others' actions on my families behalf (also against better judgement). This is how I get treated. She sent me a text one morning that basically said 'fuck you, you don't deserve to be an aunt.' When I asked my brother if he saw it, he said yes, and he said that he told her it was harsh. No sticking up for me, no apologizes, nothing. Then when I asked him if HE wanted me to be in his daughters life, and if HE thought I'd be a good aunt...he said it was up to me, not him. I'm still confused as to how that's supposed to work, but I've just accepted the fact that I lost my brother and will live my life. It breaks my heart because he was my EVERYTHING growing up.

I still miss my father. I think about him every single day, no fail. Some days are good, while some days I want to escape somewhere and just lose it. I had a night like that a little while ago, and I couldn't explain where it was coming from or why, but I just needed to cry. I still don't understand why someone would take their own life. I still don't think his girlfriend is innocent. It kills me that she got away with assisted murder. I just wish he were here now, for one more day, so I could tell him everything I've ever needed to say, so I could have peace. Because visiting a grave site is not enough. I think that part of the reason I got emotional is because of everything going on with my brother...sometimes it's just too much to handle.

So I guess that's it for the sad news... at least that's what's been plaguing my mind for the past couple days. On to better news.

I'M ENGAGED!!!! Derek finally asked me earlier this month. March 7, to be exact, lol. So I've gotten to experience the joy that is planning my wedding. It is SO MUCH FUN!! I'm having a blast. We can't set a date yet because of my joining the Navy, but still, it kind of gives me more time to have everything 100 percent set in stone.

And, my final bit of news, is that I'm leaving in 38 days. At this point, I'm so ready to leave, despite that I'm not where I want to be physically...the rest will just fall into place and will have to work. I'm not even thinking about the fact that I'll miss my family and my girls and my pup... I just NEED to go. For reasons I did mention here and reasons that will forever stay with me.

On that note, if you're reading this, PLEASE comment. Just a simple hello will do. Just so I know I'm not talking to myself. Thanks. :)